|Reasons Not to Have Kids
- You’ll be rich. Filthy rich. Diving into a pile of Scrooge McDuck gold coins rich. And you can spend it on whatever you want! Like your very own Zoltar machine or imported baby iguana leather for your Ferrari. Later, use this money to buy the affections of estranged nieces and nephews.
- You can skip boring vacation jaunts like the Smithsonian or the Liberty Bell that are designed to trick kids into learning a piece of American history. Instead, drink yourself blind on something fruity with an umbrella on a beach in Cabo.
- You reserve the right to act like an idiot. Quitting your job, driving to Vegas at 11 pm on a Saturday night and karaoking Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love” are all excellent ideas, all requiring childfree versatility.
- You can swear like a sailor. All without the stress of wondering if little Timmy is going to parrot out something like “Nice turn signal, a$$hole” at recess.
- You can eat pop-tarts for dinner without worrying about the impression it will make. Ooh, the seasonal pumpkin flavor is now in stores? Yes please.
- You’ll look better in 30 years. I’m pretty sure my brothers and I Windex-ing the couch had something to do with every one of my mom’s early grey hairs.
- You will never, ever have to admit that you can no longer do simple arithmetic without the aid of a calculator, that you’re not sure if Singapore is a city or a country, or who won the Civil War.
- You will never have to subscribe to Tiger Beat and have one room in your house wallpapered with the-Justin-Beiber-of-the-moment glam shots.
| Reasons Going Childfree Might Suck
- You won’t experience the thrill of the bargain associated with eating at a Kids Eat Free on Sundays establishment.
(This side of the page is perhaps not as complete as I’d like it to be.)