Are You Ready to Have a Baby?
1. Your friend asks you to babysit on a Friday night. Your first thought is:
a. Hell no
b. Maybe I can bank an airport ride out of this?
c. It’ll be interesting to find out if I can wipe someone else’s ass without throwing up
d. Maybe they won’t come back, and maybe I can keep it, just for a little while, the baby would be better off with me anyways – parents always gallivanting about, shameful – maybe we’ll just go away for a while, just the two of us, I hear Mexico’s nice this time of year…
2. Take a look at your savings account statement. Does it:
b. Contain more than 4 digits BEFORE the decimal point?
3. What does your typical Saturday night consist of?
a. Watching The Wonder Years reruns on Netflix
b. Dinner with a group of less than 10 at a place that does not offer Margaritas As Big As Your Head
c. A flip cup tournament at your buddy’s place who is still asking for keg “donations”
4. What is a 529?
a. The first three numbers to your parents’ (with whom you still live) garage keypad code
b. The average number of diapers changed in the first 3 months
c. A college savings plan for Junior
5. Take a look around your house. Is it:
a. Actually a house?
b. A one-bedroom apartment, its sole adornment the Jim Belushi COLLEGE poster?
6. Red SOLO cups can hold non-alcoholic beverages, such as lemonade at picnics.
7. Think about being pregnant. The first thing that comes to your mind is:
a. No coffee or booze for nine months? How will I make it through the work day (without booze) and social events (without coffee)?
b. How am I going to pass a watermelon through this?
c. I will not feel like Sigourney Weaver in Alien, I will not feel like Sigourney Weaver in Alien, I will not feel like Sigourney Weaver in Alien
d. I am PUMPED to post bump progress pictures on Facebook with alarming regularity
8. Which commercial makes you have to pretend you have something in your eye?
a. Sarah McLachlan and her band of misfit pets for the ASPCA
b. Sally Struthers for the Christian Children’s Fund (anyone wish they’d bring these back, so we could see that hair again?)
Answer Points Key:
1 (a=1; b=2; c=3; d=4)
2 (a=1; b=2)
3 (a=3; b=2; c=1)
4 (a=1; b=2; c=3)
5 (a=2; b=1)
6 (a=2; b=1)
7 (a=1; b=3; c=2; d=4)
8 (a=1; b=2)
0-8 Points: You should be on some sort of registered list to keep you outside a 5 mile radius of schools and parks.
9-16 Points: Maybe a pet might be more appropriate – I hear they’re doing wonderful things these days with bark-less Chihuahuas
17-19 Points: You’re almost there, kid. Swing by a Baby Gap and feel out the scene.
20-22 Points: I hope your friends and family members have been vaccinated for Baby Rabies. You’re rabid!