Bits ‘O Wisdom

Below is a collection of the most thought-provoking comments I’ve gotten from my readers over time. It’s updated on a regular basis, so keep the wise commentary coming on the posts – you never know when you might find yourself on the Bits ‘O Wisdom page!

If you keep telling yourself “maybe after this life event, maybe after this one,” – those life events might just be excuses. ~Anonymous

Think about regret – with not having kids, you only risk your own potential future feelings. But if you regret having kids, you’re risking the futures of innocent people who will have to live their whole lives with the consequences of it. ~ Alex

Instead of asking “Do I want a child?”, try asking, “Would a child want me for a parent?” ~AmyJane

Thinking babies are cute doesn’t mean you should have one – people are hardwired to find them cute, otherwise, you would eat your own young. Seriously. ~AmyJane

Imagine you decided to have children, but then found out after a while of trying that you or your partner were infertile. How would that make you feel? ~Brooke

Think about something else in your life that you’ve REALLY wanted. If you don’t want a baby that bad, it may not be a good idea to have one. ~Charlene

If you’re waiting for a screaming answer of “No!”, you may need to come to terms with the fact that your “No” on the baby decision may be more of a silent “No”. ~Charlene

Imagine you have a child…and then imagine that child has significant emotional, learning or physical disabilities. Do you still want to have a baby, knowing that might happen? ~ChildlessAunt

If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with your life? If your answer doesn’t include “kids”, then the money excuse is just an excuse – you don’t really want them. ~Courtney Mroch

Look at families in their best Hallmark-esque moments of peace. If you still think “not for me”, that’s a telling sign. ~Dowager Lady

Remind yourself that you can still do the kid things that sound fun without kids – watching cartoons, hitting up Disneyland or setting up a Slip ‘N Slide in the backyard. ~Dowager Lady

Remember that you will have to deal with children at all ages, including sassy teenagers. ~DowagerAtWork

As child-centric as our society is, if you have to remind yourself to think about why you might want kids, that’s pretty telling. ~ DowagerLadyUrsula

What would you do if you found yourself unexpectedly pregnant? (Besides panic) ~Multiple Readers

There is always going to be a road not traveled, a direction to aim your what-if’s – making a choice one way or the other isn’t going to change that. ~InTheNotCategory

Do you even like kids? If not, why is this even a question? ~ Jamie

The doubt that sometimes shadows the choice to remain Childfree is in fact instinct in camouflage. ~ Kate

Sometimes outside factors force your hand – when I was 36, I was diagnosed with cancer and told I would need to freeze my eggs if I wanted to have a baby in the future – and I didn’t skip a beat in saying No, making the final decision for the first time. ~Kelly

Not including kids or kid-friendly activities on your Bucket List doesn’t mean kids don’t fit into the big plans for your life – it may just mean your life won’t revolve around them. ~Kylie

Perhaps the reason we have such a hard time with this choice is that in nature, this choice doesn’t exist – birth control is a man-made intervention and maybe we haven’t caught up evolution-wise with the full capabilities to make this decision. ~Kylie

How can you love, with every fiber of your being, a baby who hasn’t even formed a personality yet? It’s all what you’re projecting onto them. ~ Laura

Think carefully about whether you want to be pregnant, have a baby, or be a mother – depending on which of the three it really is, that can be really telling. ~Lauren

50 years ago, we would already have had children by now, and I wonder if this “gift” of time to think it through is actually a curse. ~Liz

Those of us who choose the Childfree route seem to be expected to live some grand life – but what’s wrong with just living an ordinary life and enjoying it? ~Loribeth

The default is always “have kids” and you feel compelled to come up with a reason not to – what happens if you switch the default and say that you need some compelling reason to decide to have them? ~Maya

Your levels of happiness as a mother are tied to your kids (and are thus out of your control) – if you had a great day at the office but then came home to find your kid had been bullied at school, how could you continue your good mood from work and not feel horrible about it? ~Maya

When someone asks you to take overseas trip with them more than a year down the road and your childbearing years are closing, and you accept without even considering the fact that you might be pregnant….you might have your answer. ~Me!

Try living your life as if you’ve made the final decision not to have kids, then look back a year later and decide if you could really give it all up. ~Me!

Someone who’s capable of being a good parent can’t be one unless they really want to – if they don’t, the fact that they’re responsible, caring, a good disciplinarian and financially stable doesn’t matter.  ~Megan

Having to constantly defend the decision to be Childfree actually strengthens it because it gives you a chance to continually clarify your stance in your own head. ~Methodique Boisson

Either way you decide, you will have  grieving process for the life you didn’t choose – whether that’s missing out on the indescribably bond of motherhood, or the freedom to develop and express your creative energy in other ways. ~Nancy

Those who make a decision – regardless of which way it goes – before time runs out feel the most peace. ~Nancy

Why agonize about missing out on parenthood any more than missing out on being an expat and experiencing life in another country? ~Nancy

When you choose not to have children, the whole world can be your family; you can skip all the feauding that can come from the instinctual nesting/protecting urges. ~Nancy

The best way to make the decision is to shadow your friends with kids to really see what an average day is like. ~Natalie

Becoming unexpectedly pregnant forces you to stop looking at all the negatives and begin to see the upsides that were there all along –you just couldn’t see them.  ~PhysicsMom

Being with my daughter is a little more like saying: “wouldn’t it be cool someday if I worked my butt off, got lots of rejection letters, had to get temp jobs to pay the bills, had lots of experiences with sacrifice and disappointment that gave me more things to write about, and then finally published a best-seller right when I was going to give up?” ~ Neal

There are more spikes of joy and heart-filling moments as a parent, but that may not necessarily be a good thing if you’re someone who would prefer smooth sailing and feeling continuously content rather than intermittently joyful. ~Neal

If your girlfriends who long for babies says things that start with, “I ALWAYS knew…”, “Ever since I was a little girl…”, “I could NEVER imagine my life without…” but you’ve never said or thought those things…that’s telling.~Nikka

Spend a period of time with the mindset that you’re planning to have children and a period of time with the mindset that you’re not – in which one do you feel more like yourself? ~Olivia

Flip a coin. Once its in the air, you’ll know which side you’re hoping for. ~Rachel

One surefire way to stop wondering if you should have a kid, or if you could continue to remain happily Childfree, is just to have a child and put an end to all the questioning. ~RDO

Don’t put your life on hold or make radical accommodations for children that “might be” in the future – if you decide to have them and are unable, you’ll regret that you wasted the time. ~Sam

How can you miss something you don’t know about? I’ll miss the feeling of standing on the moon too, but I’m not overly cut-up about that one either. ~Sarah

You can enjoy the secondary effects of being a mom (watching cartoons, painting a room in soothing greens and yellows) without actually being a mom – in fact, the kids actually get in the way of those things. ~Scott

If you have a kid because one of you strongly wants one, you’re not truly “deciding together”. ~Scott

Children don’t solve boredom, they may actually generate new varieties of boredom. ~Scott

Maybe the inability to decide about children is really a larger inability to decide what it is you want out of life – try approaching the question from the other way around and then see how kids fit in (or not). ~Scott

With people living into their 80’s, the really tough child-raising years only comprise about a quarter of your life now, which isn’t as bad as it used to be. ~ST