The Seasonless Comforts of the Childfree Life
It’s mid-February, folks, and this was the starting point for yesterday’s jog:
Pretty ridiculous, eh? And at the risk of sounding like Adam Carolla, I’m going to go ahead and complain about it. The weather out here in California is about as close to perfect as a person could ask for. But every now and then, I find myself craving a Midwest winter morning so stark and white and quiet you can actually see your thoughts in the snow. A rainy day that makes curling up with a good book the obvious choice instead of the lazy one. An autumn afternoon of stomping on crunchy leaves that you’re obviously too old to be stomping on. A hot-as-hell night that allows you to wear inappropriately small tank tops to the bar without lugging a jacket or cardigan to protect against the 24/7/365 ocean breeze.
Adam Duritz, lead singer for the Counting Crows and fellow Californian, put it best in “Amy Hit the Atmosphere” when he said:
If I could make it rain today,
And wash away this sunny day,
Down to the gutter,
I would,
Just to get a change of pace
My life, in general, seems a little like California to me. I’m madly in love with my husband and my cats (in no particular order…). We have a nice condo. We throw parties. We go on ski trips with our friends. We have our hobbies (his: golfing and playing Careless Whisper on the piano until our upstairs neighbors bang on the floor; mine: writing and bacon-egg-and-cheese-biscuit connoisseuring). We visit family. We travel. We eat nice dinners out at places where the waiters make fun of our pronounciation. It’s all great, all the time.
But it’s all sort of…the same. From week to week. Year to year. And if we don’t wind up having kids, it’s sort of going to be the same for the rest of our lives. There’ll no doubt be big changes at some point – new jobs, a new house, tragic haircuts – but these are things that hopefully only happen once a decade, or less. The little changes – picking up a new hobby, new friend, new restaurant, new travel destination – will be more frequent, but will any of those really make life feel all that different?
Probably not. But why should that matter? Why would I want to shake things up? To mess with a good thing? To be unable to leave well enough alone? To wish for the first snowstorm in LA since 1962?
I’m afraid I’m romanticizing my time in the Midwest. I’ve forgotten all the days I scraped ice from my windshield with an old CD, days when pathetic tears of misery froze to my cheeks in a sub-zero windchill walk across campus. Days where I would’ve given anything for the idyllic monotony of a year of California sunshine.
Would I be saying the same thing about my blissfully stable Childfree years if I traded them in for the wild ups and downs of parenthood?
31 Responses to The Seasonless Comforts of the Childfree Life
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It’s so funny that you posted this today! My hubby and I had a similar conversation Saturday night during our weekly wine and do we want kids debate. If you don’t have kids, what is the next milestone in life? Would we get bored or run out of restaurants and travel destinations?
I love that you save that awful conversation for Saturday nights! Seems like we should all make it a Monday thing and just enjoy our weekends.
The last LA snowstorm was not 1962. It was 1991. Steve Martin lived in San Marino, owned a stateside shoe factory, and wore a blue Armani tux. Martin Short was a gay event planner. It’s time to get pregnant.
Wow, leave it to James to pull out a Father of the Bride reference to discredit me! Touche, Rabbi.
I live in LA too and LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I’m also CF and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I used to live on the frozen east coast and then the frozen Midwest. Never, EVER again. If I visit in the winter I generally have at least one outburst of “WHY WOULD ANYONE LIVE HERE!!!” Of course, nothing against those that do – they are far tougher folk than I would want to be.
I think the “nothing changes here and I’m bored” thing which can be applied to both life in LA and being CF is all about what you do with that time that seemingly never changes. Personally, I don’t like upheaval-like change. But I do definitely like variety. For me, I pour my spare time into my theatre company (which I helped to found with some friends 5 years ago). It’s an ever-changing group of creative and interesting people, lots of interesting creative challenges, and an increasing struggle each season to run a better theatre business. And this is on top of my full time job. I’m never bored!
I know that in order to be the kind of parent I would want to be (if that’s what I wanted) then I would need to give up a great majority of my involvement in what I love for quite some time. Would I love parenting just as much? Maybe, I guess, but I can’t at all picture that life making me at all happy. I could not have a baby and then say “WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THIS?” like I do about living in the cold and snow. You can’t give that back.
You can find (or create!) adventure and wild ups and downs in your life. If parenthood is how you find that, great. But, is “I’m bored” a good reason to bring a child into the world?
It most certainly is not! Unfortunately, I don’t think everyone asks themselves that question. Mine is maybe not that I’m bored…more that I wonder if I need more dramatic changes in my life than my hobbies and work will create. The question is whether kids will be the solution, or something else like moving to another country, etc.
You know what they say, the grass is always greener. And you just like we parents go on child-free vacations to get our fix and remind ourselves how much we miss our kids, feel free to use our rug rats in the same manner. A weekend with them and you’ll appreciate your sans-kid time for at least another 6 months
You know I’m on so on board with a maybe baby, but if it doesn’t happen, I honestly think you and Mr. Maybe would have a very fulfilled and enjoyable life together. Just save us a room in your child-free retirement community since you’ll probably be there 20 years before us!
Between all our card playing and Drew falling asleep in his armchair at 9, we might actually already be living in a retirement community…
Wait, wait hold on – wild ups and downs??? I thought parenthood was just years on end of diapers, soccer practice, and homework. I need to trade my life for Brangelina’s and see where this excitement is.
Well, I imagine even within the diapers, there’s some serious range.
I live in southern NH about an hour from Boston. If you go take a look on my blog at my recent post about the recent blizzard which dropped over 2ft of snow, you will remember why you don’t want to leave California.
Thursday night as I heard about the upcoming storm I checked out flights to see if I could escape to somewhere warmer before it hit. My husband ended up shoveling for over two hours because we don’t have a garage. I used to live in Savannah,GA and am really missing that summer heat and current warmer weather. Still not sure why we moved up here… Oh yeah better employment at the time. 
Thank you for the reality check, Robin! Excellent reminder…
When something feels so “same” or like there might be something missing from life, might I suggest looking within yourself rather than outside of yourself for the fix? This year I’m learning that feeling as though life were missing something is generally a clue that your spiritual life (that connection to the inner you) is lacking and needs some TLC.
Or maybe you just really do want to be a parent.
I completely agree with the looking within yourself thing…but wouldn’t wanting or not wanting a child sort of fall in the realm of yourself since it’s quite a bit about how you would change or not change your own life by becoming a parent? All that being said, I could definitely spend some more time on the inner me. That’s code for “I’m going to the spa this weekend.”
Not necessarily since having a child is still an external life situation. I’m talking more about that connection to something much larger than yourself… the universe, god, the divine, spirit, whatever you want to call it… that’s also within yourself rather than alone time or self care. Personally, I find this connection through meditation, running, climbing, journaling, and nature.
I think some people do find it through parenting, but I think it’s a small percentage of parents who experience this. I think it’s more often the case that people feel the lacking in their life that comes from untended spiritual needs and think that means they should have a child. It’s looking for a physical/outer solution to a spiritual/inner problem. Other ways it can manifest are through a new job/career, a new pet, moving homes, shopping, etc. Personally, I tend to look to my job when I start feeling that hole and assume something is wrong there.
However, of course, sometimes you really do just want/need new shoes, to move, to change jobs, or to have a kid!
Well, I’ve never been much for spirituality, so it might be difficult for me to start thinking along those lines now, but it’s an interesting point that this might be what many people find to be missing when they’re looking in all the wrong places.
I think this is great advice for anyone. The word “spiritual” freaks some people out. I’ve been exploring the mind/body connection and working on being more in touch with and kinder to my inner, true self. For me, it’s about connecting with myself and plugging into the world around me through things like breathing, meditation (I’m talking 30 second sessions when I’m feeling overwhelmed) and positive mantras. After just a handful of weeks of practicing this, I find myself more and more on the “maybe baby” side of the fence. Perhaps when I’m not being so hard on myself, I’m able to open up more to new possibilities. Maybe it’s what I really want deep down and I’m only able to access it when I cut out the mental clutter and negative self-talk. Maybe it’s appreciating my life for what it is now instead of focusing on a potentially never ending list of improvements. Being present is a powerful thing. My husband and I have a fantastic relationship. I want to see our family grow and become even more fantastic. Of course, having kids doesn’t guarantee you’ll have a fantastic family or even a family at all (they might hate us or be horrible people), but I think it’s worth a shot.
Stacey I think you would make a great mom! Coming into parenthood already able to do a 30 second meditation puts you way ahead of the curve. I agree with Katie too – great observation on being connected and present, whether you have kids or not.
I have wondered the same thing – will my husband and I just repeat the same general week for decades, a la Groundhog Day? Except we don’t even go out to eat or travel much. It’s hard when I start thinking about this around the holidays and such. It just compounds the issue.
But Emalita is right – usually a case of baby rabies is easily cured by actually hanging out with children. God bless them, but friends of ours came over Saturday night with their 2.5 year old, who promptly spent the next several hours chasing after my cats – and for the one cat who was too stubborn to abandon his cozy spot on the couch, pull his ears, poke his eyes, pull his tail, etc. (apparently she is learning the various parts of the body). And in the process of running around my living room, she tripped over the dog a billion times, stepped on his feet, pulled his tail (I think she was hoping he would drag her like a sled), used him as a step stool to get onto the couch, and tried to ride him like a pony. Luckily the cat and dog were surprisingly tolerant and didn’t retaliate in any way. When the kid left, the silence and stillness in my house was the BIGGEST relief.
And that was only a few hours. Imagine that – ALL DAY. That should help you appreciate any boredom you have. Peaceful, quiet boredom.
Oh yes, spending any extended amount of time with anyone else’s children is generally a pretty solid reminder of how good I have it now. Much in the same way that spending a few ridiculously cold days in Chicago makes me appreciate the LA air so much more when I step off the plane at LAX.
Exactly – you’d take a vacation to get your winter weather fix. You wouldn’t MOVE to Chicago.
Having kids is like moving to Chicago: occasional fun moments full of snowmen and hot chocolate, but a whole lot of shoveling and shivering in the bitter cold.
This post fits so well with your previous one about too much possibility. Because, if kids are always around, then you’re constantly hemmed in by their actual, day-to-day needs and perhaps don’t have as much time to think about what could be possible and new. The sameness here seems to be a different way of expressing that. I worry about that myself sometimes, as my day-to-day habits are shockingly steady, such that if I, for example, step out of the shower the wrong way, I can’t figure out how to dry my back off. (extreme, but it’s happened!) At the same time, my sister, who has a son, has a life that is really, really steady and same-y. Maybe it’s the difference between day-to-day sameness (for those of us without kids to rattle everything) and long-term sameness (not being able to change jobs or jaunt off to wherever because of the kids).
With that in mind, I just received a tentative job offer yesterday that would require a change in continents, and was so freaked out/excited/terrified that I almost threw up. Getting too involved in sameness makes those moments hard to deal with. I have no answer for that.
Haha – I am totally with you on the shower routine thing! I started drying off in the wrong order the other day and then couldn’t remember the rest of my routine! It was very distressing! And I’d never considered how that side of me is showing through in the baby decision too.
Yeah, but, a kid is always growing and changing. Their needs as an infant vs child vs teenager are wildly different. So your routine would be changing with them as they grow.
So, are you suggesting that having a kid would make your life LESS monotonous?
Maybe, maybe not. Probably just a shift to different forms of monotony interspersed with roller coaster feelings.
I think the day-to-day would probably be more monotonous, but on the whole, there’d be a whole other set of life milestones that I’d go through beyond just my own or my husband’s. But I’m sure monotony takes on a whole new meaning when you’ve seen the same Dora the Explorer movie 97 times. Yuck.
One word: Barney.
[shudder]
Joking aside for the moment, you actually touched on something really important here.
I think one unstated reason that some people have kids is to create new milestones for themselves, sort of living vicariously through their children. If you’re not going to get any more degrees, already married, already have a house, whatever milestones you see as important, you may be tempted to have a kid so you can go to your kid’s graduations, wedding, etc., so there’s always the next big thing to celebrate.
Sounds like what you feel is missing in your life is the next milestone? I know I had a bit of a midlife crisis when the only milestone I saw ahead of me was my retirement party in 30 years, and after that…death. Please don’t have a kid to avert a quarterlife crisis!
It’s funny that once you’re satisfied with where you’re at in life (your marriage, your job, etc.), you don’t really WANT milestones because that means something’s going to change. But I think we’re programmed to crave them in some way. Dilemma.
My parents were wonderful and completely focused on us, but when i look back at what that entailed, i know i would rather slit my throat than live through those things. They moved us to a boring town because it had the right mix of being affordable enough for us to have a nice yard, but still had good schools. they took us on kids’ vacations–disney, theme parks, etc, and not places that adults can enjoy. they endured years of behaving like our pointless, vapid, child-prattling was interesting. My mother gave up her career to raise us; my father allowed his to atrophy for stability over real career advancement or challenge. They mortgaged their lives into oblivion to pay for mulitple kids’ worth of clothes and toys and bikes and glasses and braces and speech therapy and music lessons and eventually colleges. Yeah, no thanks. my parents made our childhoods wonderful, and having us was their choice, but they paid a high price for it. They were smart, interesting, lively people who could have had really exciting lives if they hadn’t been so tied down by us
Same – my mother constantly complains about living in Indiana, but I’m sure 99% of the reason we moved there from the east coast was because it was easier to raise a family there. The relocation alone is a HUGE sacrifice.