Intellectualizing the Baby Decision
I’ve spent the last few weeks contemplating why this having-kids-or-not decision is so much harder than any other I’ve had to make – and more importantly, why it’s taking so damn long. It got me wondering…
Where Did My Gut Go?
No, I don’t mean that spare twelve pounds I picked up at Purdue freshman year. That’s still with me (many thanks, Natty Light). I mean the gut that whispers in your ear that something about this feels wrong, or right. The gut that says “Hey, you should do this!”, even in the complete and utter absence of any good reason why.
My gut has been good to me over the past few decades. It’s sent me across the country, got me out of an industry that wasn’t making me happy, told me to marry Drew even when I felt too young (to be clear, I was no spring chicken at 28 – it just felt that way). It’s spurred me to action. It’s eventually stepped in to smash all the doubts and what-if’s and analysis paralysis to smithereens. It’s kept my life moving forward, for better or worse.
So where the hell did it go on this baby issue? Because sometimes I feel like I’m staring at one of those Magic Eye pictures, waiting for the answer to appear. Straining my vision, squinting and unsquinting. Wondering what I’m doing wrong, why I can’t see something that everyone else so easily can. And all the while, my gut is silent.
Maybe it can’t get a word in edgewise in the midst of all this dialogue and scrutiny of every tiny little issue here on the blog. Maybe constantly having it top of mind and analyzing some new angle every week is doing more harm than good. Something about this line of thinking sounded familiar and I recalled from my days in mental health counseling (providing, not receiving, believe it or not) that there’s a term for this: intellectualization. It’s defined as:
a defense mechanism in which reasoning and taking a pseudo-objective viewpoint is used as a means of avoiding a confrontation with an unconscious conflict and the emotional stress associated with it
One of the most common examples is someone who’s diagnosed with a terminal disease focusing on learning everything they can about their objective chances with treatment so they can keep their emotional distance from the reality of the situation.
Though I never thought of myself as someone who actively avoids emotions, I’ve done this pseudo-objective thing my entire life. Any major decisions I’ve had to make (moving, choosing careers, ending relationships, etc.) have been thoroughly hemmed and hawed and pros and cons’ed and generally thought and talked to death. By the time I was done with those decisions, the bone of the issue had been picked clean, the very marrow of the conflict sucked dry. No doubt was left unturned, no “what if” too small to be thoroughly vetted. And while it may have been a thoroughly exhausting way to go about it, intellectualizing the issue eventually worked. There was a final moment where I said, “I quit!” or “It’s over!” or “I do!” and walked away or walked towards something. My gut always played a role in placing the final nail, but I felt better having pursued every option to the fullest before making my decision.
So why is the baby thing so different? What’s so paralyzing about it? Is it because it’s arguably the most life-altering decision I’ll ever make? Or that there’s no going back if I do have a baby? Or is it the opposite – that I DON’T really want a baby, but there’s no ACTION that then takes place in a satisfying, no-going-back-now sort of way, so I’m just left to hem and haw into the eternity of my assumed fertility?
Ahh, but there is some such action. In fact, after one simple and relatively painless procedure for either me or Drew, the decision would be entirely finalized. Yet taking that action scares me most of all. Slamming doors and burning bridges has never been my bag. Maybe that’s because when you make decisions using rational thinking instead of your gut, the subject is always up for re-evalutation. Circumstances change, and something that was in the negatives column may get ticked off the list. The boss you hated may quit or get fired and suddenly your old job sounds slightly more appealing. The slackass boyfriend you dumped got an uncannily responsible job and you start to remember the good ole days with a little more affection. These decisions you made, and many others, are often reversible. You can inquire about your old job, send that old boyfriend a text, call the waiter back to change your order. You can even exit a bad marriage (though not without considerable collateral damage).
But one thing you cannot do is hit the do-over button on a baby you created, or decide at age 49 you simply must see your genes passed on. In cases like these, you need your gut to push you over the edge after you’ve analyzed every angle, because some decisions simply can’t be arrived at objectively. But just when I need my gut the most, it’s eerily silent. And unfortunately, there’s not much that can be done to force it. I’ll continue to hem and haw, because that’s what I do best, but at the end of the day, I’m going to have to wait for that one overwhelming moment (which will either be holding a friend’s angelic new baby, or witnessing a spectacular temper tantrum at Target) where I can say with absolute clarity, “I know what I want.”
Well there. Predictably, I’ve intellectualized the intellectualization process here. I’ve tried to objectively reason my way into figuring out why I have to objectively reason with everything in some kind of circular reference nightmare. And I’m pretty sure I just had a stroke. This can’t be good for my gut.
54 Responses to Intellectualizing the Baby Decision
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Well said Liz. I feel like your the only one saying everything I am thinking. I have used my head and overall gut for most decisions of my life, and its not deciding a damn thing for me regarding the decision whether or not to have kids. I`m 24, and all my friends have taken the plunge, but I just cant bring myself to do it. There is no burning desire to be pregnant, nor any real reason why I wish to NOT have kids. I have no idea what I am doing or what to do next regarding this decision, but I definitly feel like society is encouraging it, and then I feel guilty for not wanting it, and then theres always this pressure with time and not wanting to be an “old” mom. Why cant this be easier? A part of me feels that if I`m not head over heals about the idea, I probably have no business being a mom in the first place, but then curiosity takes over and theres always this somewhat regrettable feeling. :/
Oh my – all I can say is that I hope you make the decision sooner than I do – otherwise you’re looking at another 7-plus years of indecisiveness! Good luck!
Great post, thanks. I also pro-and-con everything to death and, as you’ve covered on this blog, it’s hard to “pro” your way to a baby unless “can’t wait to be a Mom!” is already on your pro list. The “no-backsies” aspect is really hard for the over-thinkers.
My partner and I recently decided to try for a kid in large part because I am tired of what-iffing, checking how we feel, putting my career on hold in case I need to stay at this family-friendly job, etc. It seemed that as long as we were happily child-free, I was going to wonder if we would continue to be happily child-free. So I thought, jeez, let’s just do it already! This may be a terrible decision, we’ll just have to see.
Good luck to you!
That’s actually a very interesting approach, and one I completely understand! (Obviously). I hope it turns out well for you guys!
i know exactly how you feel you get to the point in your life where you thinks its now of never or if not now when? I too am at this point and we plan on ditching the contraceptives come september and just see what happens.
yup i think it has alot to do with over thinking the decision. Having a child has now become a choice, this wasn’t always the case and i don’t believe that it was the way nature ever intended it to be. nevertheless thats what it has become. Prehaps why our gut isn’t comming into it is due in part at least at a biological level that we aren’t meant to make that choice that in nature there is no choice.
Strange – I’ve never actually thought of it that way, but that makes complete sense. We just KNOW so much now, and have so many ways of controlling things that we never used to be able to control. Very interesting, thanks for bringing that up!
And don’t forget, we’ve ALWAYS had the choice, at some level, not to have children. Historically, the price for making this choice used to be much higher than today (i.e. some form of celibacy). Don’t forget that many, many people would join religious orders – that used to be much more common than it is today. And lots of people simply couldn’t afford a family, and instead made their living in service or other ways. There’s a great post over at Swimming Upstream about historical rates of childlessness.
I hadn’t considered the nunnery until just now. Now THERE’S a solution!
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Not to be a huge geek, quoting Dumbledore and all, but it’s true. I have the ability to make a baby, but I choose not to. We’ve fought long and hard to not be forced into the roles of wife, mother, and housekeeper. Besides, nature would have us eaten by bears if we didn’t choose to make weapons… and have thumbs.
Very true, we HAVE come a long way. Even though it may not seem like it at times, I AM glad that I have a choice now.
Instinct. We are meant to instinctively want babies. So when logic, our brains and even our guts feel other wise, we are still torn because this primitive instinct keeps whispering in our ear.
And it is a huge decision to be sure! Most likely the biggest one we ever make. Good for you for realizing that. Many people just do it because that is what people do. I think making a conscience choice to have a baby after weighing up all the options is a very responsible way to go about procreating.
The funny thing is – I don’t think I even have that instinct! I just feel like I’m supposed to! Maybe it’s there on a completely un/subconscious level.
I think instict is sneaky. People think that instinct makes your womb aches for a child and causes you to long to hold an infant to your breast. I think for some it sort of whispers quietly to us, making the decision harder. Not sure if that makes sense.
I am 34 and no clock has started ticking for me for me either. I always assumed I would want kids one day, but nope. But I think the doubt that sometimes shadows the choice to remain childfree is in fact instinct in camouflage.
Ahh, very interesting – perhaps you’re right!
I don’t have that instinct and felt for a good while like there was something wrong with me for not having it. Then I realized that’s ok, that’s me and although sometimes it creeps up still I know it would be worse to have a baby when I don’t want to.
Glad to hear I’m not the only one completely lacking that instinct…
It can be argued that the urge to want children is not instinctual; instead is a result of powerful social and cultural conditioning more than anything else. And despite pronatalist notions saying there is something wrong with us if we don’t eventually feel that “longing” were supposed to feel, if it were instinctual we would all feel it and we definitely do not. For those who are on the fence and seem to be staying there, I’d say spend time with kids of all ages. If you are already doing that or have, spend more. Make an active effort to take care of children and all that that entails. Many on the fence women I have talked with who took this to heart ended up really finding out what role they wanted children to have in their lives. For some it came to mentoring, others teaching elementary school or pursuing careers involving children, others — ready to say yes to parenthood. Piloting testing what it really means as closely as possible can really help land on one side of fence or other! Laura, author The Baby Matrix, http://lauracarroll.com
That is such good advice, Laura! I’m in the unfortunate position of having no family nearby and a group of friends who are just now starting to have babies, so I rarely interact with children at all, much less of varying ages. And since I don’t particularly enjoy being around children, it seems crazy to think of volunteering at a school or something like that, but maybe that’s precisely what I need to do. I think my lack of any exposure to kids is part of why the decision has been so difficult for me!
Such a fantastic point! Social and cultural pressure plays a huge role! I was only thinking of the instinct side of things when I posted earlier.
My husband and I are in our mid 30s, have been happily married for ten years and have no kids and no plans for kids. And most people cannot wrap their minds around that at all, because society says you fall in love, get married and have babies.
I blame the song – “first comes love, then comes marriage…” well, you know the rest.
I don’t want children; however, once a month, I get a sudden urge for everything baby. I chaulk it up to ovulation. The urge doesn’t last past a couple of days, then I’m back to cringing at baby cries. If there is any doubt in your mind, I wouldn’t have them. Id rather regret not having kids, than to have them and regret it. Children are a huge investment with little to no return; and there is no guarantee that the end product will be a produtice member of society. I’m just not willing to take that chance. Plus, in my family, we aren’t that good at raising kids..lol!! But yeah, if your gut isn’t kicking, I wouldn’t make a decision. Even if you do a pros and cons list and it makes sense to have one based off that, you are basing that decision on logic without any feeling or emotionor desire behind it.
The advice of not having kids if there’s any doubt in your mind is one that I hear a lot. But then I also hear pretty often that no one ever truly feels ready to have children and there’s sort of a leap of faith involved. I’ve always thought these two concepts just don’t make sense together – they cancel each other out! I guess we just need to decide which of the two statements we believe fits us best.
I think its natural to have doubt about any decision we make its completely normal. As my brother in law says as long as you don’t wake screaming in the night then it wasw the right decision.
Haha, I like that definition of successful decision making!
I think your gut is telling you to not have kids, but society and friends are telling you to do it, drowning the little voice.
Haha, well pretty much no one is telling me to do it since they know about my blog and they’re afraid of showing up on here! Maybe that’s the secret to fighting off parental “BINGOS” – everyone should start their own blog!
I agree with JustMe. In the absence of a strong gut feeling, it is hard to separate out what we really truly in our heart of hearts want, vs. what you think you SHOULD want.
I remember hemming and hawing over which college to pick (the cheap, less prestigious state school where I felt the most comfortable and already had friends, vs. the super-expensive, cut throat conservatory in a city that scared the pants off me). A mentor suggested I flip a coin, but then not look at it, keep it under my hand. I did. He said, “In that instant the coin was in the air, did you hope it was heads or tails?” I had my answer. And thank god I didn’t spend all that money on a conservatory, since I’m not even in the music field anymore.
Not to suggest you can make your choice that way, but it really helped me to interrupt the feedback loop of intellectualizing.
I do like the flip a coin strategy – Drew and I often do the “if a gun was to your head right now and you had to choose, what would it be?” The problem is, we’ve done it so many times, the faux pressure is sort of off. I will try a coin – why not? Maybe just the act of pretending that it’s deciding my fate will trick me into revealing what I want.
Sigh, I just typed a long-ass comment that was deleted because apparently the website wasn’t sure whether I was a human. I really don’t feel like typing the whole thing again so here it is in a nutshell: “Maybe”: I too am a psychologist who was on the fence for a long time but then decided if I changed my mind (I’m 38 so I realize I don’t have a lot of time left) then I could always adopt and/or take in foster kids, which eased my mind tremendously. Katie – you’re already feeling pressure to have kids at 24?? Wow. Not knowing more about your situation, I find that very surprising, since you have a good 15+ childbearing years ahead of you. Why worry about it now – you have plenty of time to make a decision! RDO – don’t take it from me, since the decision obviously has to be yours, but my guess is that you probably are ready for kids if your thought process is “I want to stay at this family-friendly job”. My thought process had always been the opposite, i.e., maybe after this life event, maybe after that life event… I finally realized that the timing to have kids would never be perfect and that, truthfully, those “life events” were just excuses all along from someone who flat out just didn’t want kids. Hope this helps!
Always good to hear from a psychologist – SOMEONE’S got to be the voice of reason on here! My apologies for the deleted comment – something crazy’s going on with my site and haven’t have been able to get a hold of my designer!
I intellectualize everything too. I make myself SO SICK of debating the pros and cons that I MUST make a decision and it ends up being based on fact and gut feeling, which is always the right one for me.
After an period of intensely intellectualizing the parenting decision (because I look at it not if I want a kid, but if I want to parent), I get so sick of it and just give up the topic for a while. I admit that I won’t be able to decide permanently right now and that it’s one of those things that I’ll have to keep checking in with a couple times a year. Then I let it go. When the topic comes up again at a future point after a mental and emotional break from it, I’m able to hear my gut and it’s usually pretty clear.
On the permenance issue, I struggle with that too because I like things to be decided and clear. In this case (assuming full fertility), either you become a parent, you get sterilized, or you’re too old. My husband and I are definitely 80-90% in the no-kid camp, but not ready to make a permanent decision. I did, however, find a stepping stone. An IUD. Semi-permenant, hands-off birth control for 10 years. If it’s still in in 10 years, then sterilization is next. Until then, I’ll stick with random gut-checks and consider my decision made unless I have some big shift.
BTW, I recommend the book Commitment by Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s mostly about marriage, but she speaks to the childless topic as well. Here’s a quote from the book related to the instinctual feeling most women expect to feel:
“If you look across human populations of all varieties, in every culture and on every continent (even among the most enthusiastic breeders in history, like the nineteenth-century Irish, or the contemporary Amish), you will find that there is a constant 10 percent of women within any population who never have children at all. The percentage never gets any lower than that, in any population whatsoever. In fact, the percentage of women who never reproduce in most societies is usually much higher than 10 percent- and that’s not just today, in the developed Western world, where childless rates among women tend to hover around 50 percent.”
She speculates that it’s necessary for some women to NOT feel the urge to reproduce in order to help balance out society. Think if there were no childless women to take on the rolls of auntie, mentor, etc. because every woman was focused on their own offspring. It’s an interesting idea.
“Maybe it’s not only legitimate for certain women to never reproduce, it’s necessary. It’s as though, as as a species, we need an abundance of responsible, compassionate, childless women to support the wider community in various ways. Childbearing and child rearing consume so much energy that the women who do become mothers quickly become swallowed up by that daunting task- if not outright killed by it.”
I thought about that recently in the context of if we were the only Childfree couple amongst our friends, we would probably take on some kind of friendship steward role where we’re in charge of making sure the group stays together. The other parents might not have time or money to plan parties, or drive across town to have dinner and play cards, or whatever, and things might become very isolated. But if we don’t have kids, we’ll have enough money to hire group babysitters to entertain the kids while the adults get to play at our parties. Kind of a fun thought.
That’s a good idea to just take a break from thinking about it. Things always seem clearer when you’ve had a little distance from them. Now how do I take a break from thinking about it and still keep this blog going…hmm…
I’m a longtime lurker and just wanted to say how much I love your blog and watching your decision making process. I too am a late 20s, Purdue alum, and sit squarely on the fence with the baby issue. I have no advice whatsoever but it’s really nice to read from someone else who also has no clue and no gut instinct on the issue! Thank you!
Well, Boiler Up! Thanks so much for the compliment and for following along – it’s always good to know I’m not alone.
Danger, Will Robinson. You’re at a point where some women get tired of having to use their brains and just do the Russian roulette of accidentally/on-purpose flaking on their birth control. Whatever you do, I hope you’re not tempted to let an “oopsie” decide for you. No getting out of it that easy. (Okay, “easy” is not the right word.)
There’s so much thoughtlessness in our society today, I hate it when someone is accused of “overthinking.” I know it’s possible to overthink, but it happens much more rarely than people expect. We need more people doing more thinking before they decide about reproducing.
It could be you feel indecisive about having a kid or not because what you really need to decide, or what you are indirectly trying to decide, is actually something else.
You might try going approaching this from another direction entirely. Maybe what you are really trying to do deep down is decide what kind of life you want for yourself. I recommend thinking of your reproductive decision as a means to an end. The end is: What kind of life do you want to live? Make that clear to yourself first, and THEN figure out how having children or not fits in with those goals for yourself.
Having a kid is a big decision, but even it may not be the biggest issue here. It may be a bit of a stand-in for something larger, deeper, and even more important. I know it seems unromantic and cynical to think of children as a means to an end, but ultimately, whether consciously or not, they are a means to an end.
Just a judgmental hack amateur interpretation, of course….
(And yes, I know I’m supposed to empathize and show that I’m listening to your feelings before jumping in with a solution, but who has the time nowadays?)
Don’t worry, I don’t need empathy – but I DO need good suggestions like the one you have here to think about the end goal first and then work backwards. It’s a fantastically simple idea, and I see how it could clear things up. I really need to add a page on this blog called Sage Advice from Readers because every once in a while, you guys come up with some really good ideas. And don’t worry – you know how I feel about Oops Babies. That’s one thing that won’t be happening.
It is so helpful to read your entry + the comments and suggestions—I don’t know if it necessarily makes us the undecided feel any better, but it does help. The irreversible nature of the decision keeps me up at night. Often. But my husband knows better. He reminds me we just don’t feel like it. Maybe one day we will. Or we won’t. We don’t need or want iPhones with expensive data plans (even though everybody has one and they are cool). We don’t need or want a house with a pool. We don’t need or want a cat. We need and like quality television. And each other. And that’s all.
Ahh, simple pleasures! Well, it sounds like you’ll be well-equipped to afford kids if you decide to have them, and if not, well, hopefully you’ll find a fun way to spend all that cash!!
I’ve been visiting this site a couple of times a week for a couple of months. Keep up the great work! I appreciate every post!!!
I got married a year ago and am trying to figure out whether or not I want to have kids. It’s always something I just assumed I would do one day, but now that I’m at a point where I can actually do it, I’m having a hard time figuring out if I even want them. It’s probably impossible to feel ready for something that will completely change your life, but I don’t want to do it because I feel some strange societal pressure to procreate. Plus, I have a burning desire to see as much of the world as I can, yet I’ll be 28 when I get my first stamp on my passport this fall. Having children will make traveling a lot harder.
Scott, your comment made me catch my breath. Your words sunk to the pit of my stomach. I felt them physically. What kind of life do I want to have? From somewhere deep inside (my gut?), I heard, “I want family.” My dad chose not to be a part of my life. My mom is a seemingly bottomless pool of negative energy. My brother is dealing with depression. My only real close, enriching family experiences come at my aunt and uncle’s house, where they and their three kids have a busy, loud, boisterous home. All of a sudden, it was easy for me to say, “I want that.”
But a few minutes later, I started thinking (or overthinking) again. Giving birth once or twice does not guarantee that you’ll have family. Look at my mom. She’s divorced with two kids that aren’t really holding up their end of the bargain. We rarely visit. When I do spend time with her, it’s completely exhausting. She rarely says more than a few words to my husband, who, I assure you, is a fantastic human being that treats me like gold. What if my kids end up feeling the same way about me? What if my husband and I can’t make our marriage work with the added stress of raising these kids? I could end up alone on my quest for family.
But I’ll also end up alone if I don’t have children. My husband is nine years older than me. If we choose not to have kids and spend our life traveling, he’ll probably die before I do, leaving me with what, exactly? A lifetime of happy memories or years of loneliness ahead? A collection of tattered passport books? I can’t say for sure. Nobody can.
In the end, I could end up alone no matter what I do, so what kind of life do I want? This is the real question.
Where to start? Well, all the things are you say are true, of course – having kids does not guarantee you’ll have the family life you’re looking for. But if the very first thing that popped into your mind was “I want family”, it may be worth the risk. I would think that because you’re aware that your own family hasn’t turned out the way you wanted it, you’d be more likely to make sure that it doesn’t happen with the new family you might create. Someone who has put tons of thought into this, but then says “I want family” when pressed for an answer on what they want out of life probably won’t abandon their kids, or become a pit of negativity. And yes, things are sometimes totally out of our control and you can never predict if your kids will abandon you or if your marriage will go off the rails. But avoiding doing something that you want to do only because there’s a chance it won’t work out…well, if we did that with everything in life, we’d be in a pretty bad state. The other thing to consider is the fact that you said “I want family”, not “I want kids”. Families are a pretty mixed bag these days, and there’s always the option to become a heavily-involved Aunt if your bother has kids, or if your husband has siblings with kids, or even by getting involved with your friends’ kids. You enjoyed visiting your aunt and uncle’s boisterous house – but does that mean you WANT that 24/7, or does it mean you want to visit that and be a part of it, but then go home and be able to do your world traveling? If it’s the latter, then there’s different ways to go about it. Scott’s words really struck me too (Drew and I discussed at length last night), and I think it’s a really good starting point – you just have to figure out what “I want family” really means. The collection of essays from the Childfree and parents on how they made their decisions are coming soon to the site, so maybe that will help you out! In the meantime, thanks for following along and good luck!!
I’m honored that my words had meaning for someone else. (Crap, I gotta be more careful what I write. People are watching….)
The gut reaction “I want family” is definitely a level deeper, but maybe there’s another even deeper question underneath that, like maybe “family” is itself a means to an end. “To me, a family gives me ___?___.” Fill in the blank with whatever you feel: sense of security, someone to love, someone who loves me, sense of community, someone to take care of me, someone to spend my life with, someone to share the world with, etc.
I second Maybe Lady’s response about the fact that family comes in many different shapes and sizes. Having children of your own is definitely one way to make a family, but it’s not the only way. There’s no guarantee that your children will be willing or able to spend time with you once they’re grown, even if you’d be a wonderful mother. They would only partly be products of their upbringing. Ultimately they would be their own people making their own decisions. Your kid(s) might not accept the role you want them to play in your life. (As Dr. Phil says, a child shouldn’t be born with a job. Sometimes he says something valuable. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.)
I’m totally biased, but I think having kids to avoid being alone is like volunteering for slave labor to avoid unemployment. It’s a question of costs.
I’m also biased as an introvert. I enjoy a lot of alone time, so being alone sounds quite lovely to me, actually, not all that scary.
Haha, I love your unemployment metaphor!
Oh don’t decide to have kids or not from holding a cute baby or seeing a tantrum at Target! One is deceptively blissful and the other is horrifyingly awful. Instead, I will bring my kids over to your house when my babe is tooting a storm and my older one is rolling around on the floor laughing til she pukes. That is a much more accurate representation of childhood than squishy babies (remember babies are cute cuz they eat and if they eat they poo and if they poo…) or tantrums.
Haha, I know – there really is no “accurate picture” of raising kids, is there?
Have you seen this website? http://www.scarymommy.com/reasons-not-to-have-a-baby/ I spent a long time last night reading through the mommy “confessions.” It’s addictive and somewhat depressing. But if you are going for rationalizing, this site seems to really give us arguments against. I wonder if somewhere down the road there will be some sort of “confessions of the childfree.” Most childfree and mommy blogs tend to focus on the pros of having/not having a baby (loads of cash!/endless love and cutesy moments!). I think we all appreciate your blog getting into the dark side of the decision. I wonder if anybody who is childfree by choice ever regrets it. Like these anonymous scary mommies shockingly confess their rock-bottom moments and thoughts about marriage, the hardships of weight loss, and post-partum depression.
I’ve been meaning to set aside a night to really go through all those, but just haven’t managed to do it yet. They sound horrifying! I’m sure there’s Childfree people out there who regret their choice – I just don’t think it’s become enough of a mainstream choice yet for there to be a “Confessions” type site emerging. Maybe in 20 years! Thanks for the reminder on the scary mommy confessions site…
Angelic babies, tantrums, cute baby farts… all these things are too detailed to really describe parenthood. It’s much more philosophical than that. Maybe you’re tired of this but here’s my attempt at describing parenthood.
Say you have a job. And a career. It’s a good job. It has it’s ups and downs but mostly it’s great. You like your co-workers and you have some vague idea of how your career will shape up. And then someone comes along and offers you a new job. They can’t/don’t/won’t provide a job description for you which is sort of annoying. They tell you that you will work harder than you have ever worked before in your life. Ever. Most of the time it’s thankless work and you won’t get much support. It will transform you. You will have experiences and visit places you never knew existed. They tell you that people who take this job are happy they did, but sometimes they wish they hadn’t – they wish they had their old job back. The pay is crap but the reward is wealth beyond anything money can buy.
You decide, “oh what the hell” and take the new job. You miss your friends at your old job so you get together with them for lunch. They talk a lot about what’s going on at your old job but you don’t have much to add since you aren’t in that job anymore. You talk about your new job, but it’s hard to describe (see above: no job description) so the conversation sort of goes nowhere. You meet new friends at your new job and you hang out with them too because you have a lot in common. Eventually you see them more than your old job friends. You wish there was some way to have your old job friends experience your new job so they would stop agonizing over whether they should take this new job or just stay in their current job but there isn’t. Even if they come to work with you for a day. While they waffle about the decision, moving along like a freight train up a hill, your new job is like riding on a bullet train and you get farther and farther away from the old job and your old friends. But you don’t really look back, even if you had the time to do so (see above: new experiences and places).
That’s being a parent.
I used to be a major over-intellectualizer as well. I don’t know how I made a decision about anything. Then I had kids. Being a parent is the least intellectual pursuit in the world so I had to let it go. Every so often, my over-intellectualizing side rears its ugly head when I spend months deciding which dance class to put my kid in. I indulge it. Then I move on.
Whoa! That was an intense description. But very interesting to frame it around this “mystery job”. It’s an interesting point that it’s so hard to leave behind old co-workers that you really liked, but inevitably, you always make new friends at the new place, even when you think you won’t. I guess that could apply to people choosing parenthood early and leaving their Childfree friends behind, and also to those who choose to be Childfree and have to go off in search of other friends.
I hate to sound all Stuart Smalley, but sometimes when I can’t make a big decision it’s because I haven’t given myself permission yet to make the decision. You have to grant yourself the power to make a decision. You have to let go of thinking you’re being self-centered for deciding what kind of life you want for yourself. You have the right to decide what life to live, and it’s okay to exercise that right. You have to decide for yourself, even when you are part of a couple. It’s a team decision AND an individual decision.
Even with a partner involved, there is still part of the decision that has to be just yours and just about you. If you’re a parent, you’re a parent whether you’re still with your partner or not. Anyone today who wants to be a parent has to accept the possibility of being a single parent. When you’re in your grave, other people will keep on living their lives. They walk away from your funeral and continue to make decisions, while you will not. (Okay, a little morbid there.)
I don’t know you, so I hope this doesn’t come off as over-presumptuous. Can I ask you to try a scenario – you mention you or Drew having the snip/tie and that being the big “No going back” moment of the childfree option.
How would you feel if you had it, and then (this is the bit where I need to repeat I don’t know you so am just talking “what ifs” and apologies if I’m crossing the line with manners etc) you guys break up, he meets someone else who does want kids, and he has a baby with her within a year or so?
You do see people radically change things after a breakup, so while I don’t know your partner at all I have seen men and women have a total 180-degree change of heart when in a new relationship about cars, kids, jobs, all sorts.
And so he’s got a new lady, and they have a baby, you see them out being parents together, and there’s little Michael or Marina, their child, and he is adoring that kid and cherishing the mum and doing all that protective dadsy stuff with both of them.
Would you feel you dodged a bullet? And would you feel better about the breakup because he evidently wanted something you really didn’t want at all?
Or would you feel gutted that you’re sterile for life, while Drew’s out there having babies and getting to do the parenting thing, getting excited over ultrasounds, then later reading bedtime stories and so on?
One more time, no cheekiness intended and obviously I hope your relationship lasts a lifetime/as long as you want it to, I’m just thinking emotional scenarios like this might help you get out of your head and into your heart/gut feeling.
I don’t really know because I honestly can’t even imagine it. Sorry if that’s a cop-out answer, but I don’t really have any desire to think about life without Drew (short of worrying about him dying when we’re old). The kids portion of things would be such an unbelievably distant point to the devastation of me losing him, so I can’t even really conjure up an answer.