I Want to Want a Baby
Those of you who know me well have probably just dropped a hot beverage in your lap, and I apologize for that. Let me explain myself.
I gave myself a little exercise the other day and tried to imagine waking up one morning to someone telling me one of two things:
- You’re pregnant
- You’re infertile and have committed a heinous crime and can therefore never adopt, and this is not The Young & The Restless so you cannot buy a baby on the black market and get away with it
Though I would feel some sense of relief at hearing either of these things in comparison to my current undecided state, I was surprised to find that Option 2 would scare me a hell of a lot more than Option 1. Having a baby would, of course, be terrifying – but at least I’d have the benefit of knowing that everyone else around me would be going through the same thing and I wouldn’t be alone, and that my remaining days would now be filled with a very definitive purpose. Going it alone with Option 2 means that I’d be, well…alone, and entirely responsible for defining my purpose in life – coming up with some reason why I’m walking the Earth and making meaningful use of my time.
It’s times like these where I just wish I really wanted a baby.
I know that in many ways, it would make my life infinitely more difficult. But aside from all the obvious (and slightly more noble) reasons why people have babies, there are also some pretty great perks when it comes to looking at social interactions and personal challenges. You’ve now got:
- Built-in conversation starters. Granted, your conversations now revolve around defecation patterns, but this will fall under “bonding”.
- No-questions-asked weight gains. Don’t worry about it, sista’, what mama has time to work out?
- A great excuse for never finishing your book/starting your own business. Most days, I’d love nothing more than to fling my laptop out the window (not as dramatic as it sounds, we’re on the first floor) or take a bat to it, Office Space-style. But I’d also settle for being able to quietly slip away from the world of writing and never have another person ask, “So how’s the book coming along?” But as a Childfree person, what excuse could I possibly have for not getting it done?
- The never-ending friend pool. Running low on friends? No sweat – you’ll probably meet someone at Timmy’s soccer game, or Ashley’s ballet lessons, or at one of the billion parental activities at the kid’s school. And if not, you can always join a Mommy & Me Yoga/Glass-blowing/OrWhateverTheHellElseTheyDo class.
- Unbreakable family connections. It made me a little sad to read the other day how common it is for siblings to majorly drift apart after the parents pass away. I’ve already got geography working against me with one brother in New York and the other in Chicago, but all of us having kids would probably ensure that we got together more often so the cousins could play.
As I tend to do with many of my posts, I’m oversimplifying things. There are probably many moms who still struggle for friends and conversation, are quite sensitive about weight gain, feel guilty or sad about goals they can’t pursue (or, they’re kicking my butt and actually accomplishing them), and don’t find time for their extended family or can’t afford to visit them. But for the most part, it does seem like many of these things would be a bit easier with kids, and isn’t there always something appealing about the easy route?
This, of course, is a complete loser’s attitude and I’m embarrassed to even be writing this post. A better person would pull themselves up by their bootstraps and be grateful they have the time and opportunity to accomplish personal goals, meet new people, keep in touch with family, stay in shape, and do all kinds of fabulous things that make for great conversation starters. I’m trying to be that person – I know that I WILL be that person if we decide not to have kids – but sometimes I can’t help thinking how much easier it would be if I just wanted a baby like (almost) everyone else in the world. There’s just one problem with that sentiment: I don’t. I may never.
So on that note, I’m off to call my brother, join a new kickball league, hit the treadmill, attend some fascinating lecture for good cocktail party chatter, or finish my damn book. Or maybe I’m having a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, watching decades-old British dramas on Netflix. Anyone’s guess these days.
58 Responses to I Want to Want a Baby
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Choosing to be a childfree woman – in today’s society – is MUCH harder than becoming a mom. And I believe parenthood is THE “top choice” for anybody who decides to take on that life-long career. This is certainly something I struggle with often because oh, so very much is expected from those of us who do not jump onto the motherhood train. How we use all of our “free time” (Uh, what’s that exactly?) seems to be under constant scrutiny. And feeling forever judged isn’t helping us find any kind of deeper fulfillment. It actually keeps my wheels spinning perpetually, going nowhere fast.
It’s true – I feel like I’m supposed to submit some kind of comprehensive life success plan if I decide not to have a baby. And then actually follow it!
It sounds like you feel so much pressure to do amazing things to validate your choice, if you choose not to have kids. But really, how do we define amazing?
I have two foster children I support overseas. I could not afford to do this if I had children of my own. Is that classified as amazing? I can afford to donate monthly to Amnesty International. Is that amazing? I am not adding to our planet, that is literally bursting at the seams with a population of over seven billion. Is that amazing? After ten years of marriage, and fourteen years together, my husband and I are still genuinely happy and in love. He is my best friend. Is that amazing? I get to travel and expand my mind and point of view by experiencing different cultures and viewpoints. Is that amazing? I could go on, but you get the picture.
I am not suggesting my choice not to have kids makes me a better person than someone who chooses to have them. But it is my choice, and I don’t need to explain to anyone what makes it worthwhile. I may never cure a disease, or finish one of the many novels I am constantly attempting to write, but who says I have to in order to make my choice not to have kids valid? It is already valid. And my life is already pretty amazing
(Please excuse any typos, quickly wrote this on my lunch break and no time to proof read.)
Yes, that IS all amazing! But I think everyone needs to define for themselves what they’ll consider amazing for their own lives. For me, I know I won’t be satisfied NOT finishing my novel if I don’t have kids. Maybe that’ll change over time and I’ll learn to relax. Or maybe…I’ll just finish the damn thing.
That makes total sense.
But if you had a baby, would you really be at peace with not finishing your novel? I mean motherhood is intense, but eventually things would settle down enough for you to find time to write again.
I think baby or not, writing is in your blood, and no matter which path you choose, you won’t feel quite right until your book is done.
Having said that, what do I know? I don’t even know you!
Ahh, you might be right. As my writing instructor is fond of saying, “Go ahead and quit. See if you can!” And alas, I never can.
To be honest, I’m more productive as a writer now than I was before the kid was born. Maybe there’s something about scarce resources that really makes you push to finish something? I THOUGHT I wanted to write before she was born…but there were always too many fun distractions. Now, I still waste some time, but it’s much more clear when I’m wasting it that I’m losing a very scarce resource, and that sometimes gets me motivated. Having said this, I wouldn’t be writing as much as I do now if I was the sole caregiver with a spouse that spent most hours at work (whatever happened to people working only a 40 hour work week?). But maybe a 2 or 3-hour per day babysitter would be sufficient? That’s what we did as both my wife and I were finishing up school.
Also, to your first point about “built-in conversation starters.” I actually like to have my daughter with me when there’s a chance someone will talk to me, because then it gives me the perfect excuse to disengage myself. “Oh, I think she needs a diaper change,” or “Oh, we’ve got to get her home for her nap! Nice seeing you!” My wife calls me a curmudgeon.
Oh My God…I think this ALL THE TIME. I’m in a relationship now with the most amazing man and he really wants kids, so after much back and forth I’ve decided that I will give him/have a child with him at some point. My problem is I don’t WANT a baby. I know (read: hope) that when that time comes I’ll be really excited, and things will be great. I just wish I felt like that now. My mom (we are like the same person in two bodies, seriously I’m her clone I think) told me this is exactly how she felt. So that makes me feel better. I should also note, that since I talked to my BF about the baby thing I’m feeling better about it everyday, I’m not warmed to it but at least now I don’t break into a cold sweat. When I was with my Ex-Husband there was just this internal horror I had about kids, how glad am I that I put my foot down about the no kids there?! Anyway, sorry my post is all over the place! I just feel better knowing I’m not alone!
Well, sometimes it does just take time to settle into the idea of something – even if it really is what’s good for you in the long run. Major life changes are never easy, even when you feel 100% about them. I’ll be curious to hear how your feelings progress as the months go by!
I know this is something that gets discussed a lot on the childless/free blogs & forums I visit… the idea that, because we’re not having kids, we’re expected to do something spectacular with our lives to make up for it. What’s wrong with just living an ordinary life that doesn’t happen to include kids?
Re: “wanting to want” a baby — I felt/feel the same way about adoption. We did want to have kids, tried, failed, & decided to move on without further infertility treatment or adopting. For the longest time, people kept trying to convince us to adopt. Yes, I know adoption can be an awesome thing. Yes, I know we’d make good parents & we have so much to offer a child.
But I just couldn’t get excited about the idea, much as I wished I could or tried to. And when I thought about it, was that fair to the child?
It’s hard to explain to people (especially those who have never had problems getting pregnant & never thought about adoption themselves). It’s a lot more complex than most people realize. And I resent the idea that I have to justify my choices to others. Nobody asks parents to explain why they decided to have a baby, after all.
To answer your first question – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it! I just wish I could convince myself of that. Sometimes my heart just won’t listen to my brain. That’s so interesting to hear you felt similarly about adoption – and you’re right, that probably wouldn’t have been fair to the child. Which makes me wonder if it would be fair for me to have one down the road if there are still lingering doubts…
You do a lot of talk about babies here, and I wonder if you have the same ambivalence about kids as they age and get older? I’ve loved my daughter as a baby, and I miss her infancy, but I sure wouldn’t want to have infants around for the rest of my life. I think there are plenty of good parents who aren’t baby people, but who look forward to their child being able to have conversations with them, or to interests that might be shared for the next 40 years, or helping their teenager become an adult, or who look forward to teaching a young person about civil rights and equality when they’re old enough to internalize it, thus injecting a responsible person into a society that desperately needs it. People always lament how hard it is to raise kids, but a lot of the “scarce resources” that I mentioned above seems like it becomes not AS big of a deal after the first few years of their life.
Also, I’ve heard a lot of legitimate reasons that delaying a career while you have kids can be problematic…among others that you kind of “age” out of the system, with bunches of younger models to take your place. But for a writer…you never have to worry about “aging out,” and if all you have is 4 hours to write during a day, that’s not a deal-breaker for your employer (yourself). Although you’ve got to be deliberate about how to make it work, I actually think that writing is a career uniquely suited for stay at home parents, both when they have kids at home, and when they leave and go to school.
That’s very interesting that you’ve picked up on the fact that I mostly discussed babies. I actually really enjoy babies and like being around them. I also really like being around young adults (college kids and even late high school). It’s the kids aged 3-14 or so that I really have a hard time with. It’s funny that I haven’t really talked about that yet – I’m definitely adding it to the topic list! As for your theory on scare resources, I 100% agree. I swear I was doing more writing when I held a full time job (at night of course, not while I was “on the clock”) than I do now – it’s one of many reasons I recently decided to go back to work. Now I just need to find a job…
That IS an interesting area to consider. I think most people who WANT kids (especially women) tend to only focus on one age. That’s usually babies. I think it’s because babies are completely helpless and dependent on you, with no clear will of their own (other than to poop and cry). I know it won’t make or break your decision, but maybe think about how you’ll feel about your hypothetical kids at different ages.
For me, when I tried to imagine scenarios of children, I knew that I would have a major problem with them in their teens. I would be incredibly frustrated, and I knew that it wouldn’t be worth it to me because of that. I realized that I would enjoy having young children, in the under ten range, because it’s like stepping into another world with all sorts of cutesy harmless fun. But they don’t stay little. And I will not have MTV in my house.
As scary as the teen years would be, those don’t freak me out as much as the 3-12 years where I feel like I wouldn’t even know how to have a conversation with them. I WILL have to do some thinking on this.
This is exactly how I have felt and still do sometimes (being almost 42 helps). I’m lucky to have a mom and some friends that tell me there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids and that helps. Some jackholes still ask what’s wrong with me but that will always happen I’m sure. You are normal.
Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to call me “normal”…but thanks anyways.
Nothing embarrassing about ambivalence and honesty! It *is* easier to want kids because everyone talks about them and before they have them, talk about wanting them. It’s a similarity that allows connection between otherwise dissimilar adults, even if it’s only about eating and poop (why in the same sentence, I don’t know). But after taking care of a well-behaved, adorable one year old, I would rather find other, less exhausting means of building relationships and a sense of purpose in life. Kudos to you for taking the harder journey and struggling with the question.
True – kids (and the frustrations that come with them) seem to be the thing that’s closest to a universal experience. Then again, with the rising number of Childfree women, I guess we could say our frustrations are fairly universal as well. We’re just still outnumbered.
I completely understand your desire to find an excuse not to feel bad about not writing. I, too, have wanted to write a novel for years and find every excuse under the sun for not finding the time or motivation to do it. I WILL do it, it’s just a matter of when I get my butt in gear to do it. I’m back in school for a second bachelor’s degree in Engineering (I’m changing careers at 31), so that’s a great excuse not to write. But does it make me feel good about not writing? Nope, not at all.
Like one of the previous commentators said, no matter how good your excuse is, if you want to write you will feel disappointed in yourself if you’re not doing it. That might not make you actually do it, but its there nevertheless.
Congrats on having the guts to make a career change at 31! I’m doing it myself and I know it isn’t an easy decision to come to.
Congrats to both of you on the career change! I am also 31 (almost 32) and started working on a career change about 2 years ago after going back and forth for years. There is no turning back now and 95% of the time that feels awesome. The other 5% of the time I feel scared. I switched jobs in March to get more in line with my new track and was accepted to the graduate program I had applied for in April. Ten years after finishing my undergraduate degree it is back to school full-time.
I also find myself ‘wanting to want a baby’ but I think I may have finally reached the final decision on ‘no’. Unfortunately I feel like I need to justify it to people but a lot of the turmoil is self inflicted I think. People are well meaning, but I always feel like you get looks of pity or stupidity if you tell someone…like they just think you have lost your mind because what can you possibly do otherwise. There are so many reasons behind our decision, but they are personal too and not something we just always want to explain to people. But at the end of the day we don’t feel the inclination, and for both of us a big reason is that we don’t want to pass along our genes. I had a pretty ‘intense’ childhood (as have a lot of people) and still feel like I have a lot of personal work to do to get a handle on some of my emotions. I know that at the point I am at right now, I wouldn’t handle the stress well and I believe it would harm my marriage and a child.
Back to more of the topic though, I am sure you will write and finish your book either way you go because you seem very motivated to do so.
Yes, I think a lot of it IS self-inflicted. We can complain all we want about being hassled by society, but I think if we felt 100% confident in our decisions, it wouldn’t be bother us as much. It’s only when we still have internal nagging doubts that our feathers really get ruffled. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why mine do. Thank you for the vote of confidence on the book, it’s very much needed right now.
I just found your blog and am AMAZED I found a fellow waffler on the “Do I want kids” debate!! I am also 31 and so far me and you think exactly alike. Kinda creepy, really
I have thought of all those same reasons as a “pro” list as well. The weird thing is that I LOVE children. I work with 2 year olds every day! And love them and my job, but I can never imagine actually raising a child because I get to leave all the stress, exhaustion, constant attentiveness at the door. On the flip side, you could argue I also leave all the joy, hilarity, snuggles and cuteness at the door too…but to me the negatives outweigh the positives. I struggle with this constantly, so you aren’t alone. You have a new reader
Welcome Dawn – I’m glad you found me! I’m always so interested to hear from people who work with kids and love them, but aren’t sure they want one of their own. We humans are a nuanced bunch, I suppose. I’ll be interested to hear your take on the other subjects going forward!
You really resonate with me. I’m 31 and have never wanted children. I had a bit of a pre-turning 30 crisis and spent most of a year weighing the pros & cons of having children. I even started a blog about it, but eventually gave it up. Just before I turned 30 I realized that if I just wasn’t thinking about the issue as much anymore. I had decided that for now, the answer is: no children. Maybe I’ll change my mind when I’m 33 or 35, but for now, it’s no.
I still struggle though. I’m like you – there’s a large part of me that wishes I just wanted a baby. It would make life so much easier. I’ve lost so many friends over the years…we’ve just drifted apart because they chose to have children and then our lives became so different we couldn’t relate. I also think I’d see my siblings more if I had kids to play with theirs. Our lives feel so different and so many days I think it would just be easier to have kids. Except that I just don’t want them.
You are definitely not alone in this struggle. I’m glad to have found your blog. It’s nice to know that there are people like me out there!
It’s always good to hear I’m not alone! And I can probably totally relate to why you gave up the blog – some days I feel like it almost complicates the decision-making process more when the blog is on my mind all the time. Hopefully I can keep it going – thanks for following!
That was definitely part of the reason I gave it up. But I’d encourage you to stick with it at least for a while. It was good for me to write about what I was feeling and to fully think things though! It was very cathartic. I mostly gave it up though because I ended up starting a new endeavor in life…I started my own chocolate business and got out of the field I was in. I’m just too busy now to write!
Good for you – your new life sounds delicious!
YES. This is exactly, exactly how I feel. And I know I’m oversimplifying things, as you mentioned–I know mothers who run marathons, run businesses, fly all over the world… also those who hate/obsess over their post-baby bodies, who dislike forced interactions with other mothers with whom they have nothing in common except having children, etc. And my aunt is a nun, so never married, never had kids, but she is still VERY close to her siblings and all her nieces and nephews (I think proximity and intention might matter more than having kids, in this case- my dad was not close to his siblings, and they all have children…).
But it still seems “easier” on some level (obviously not the day-to-day schedule). It is a (generally) easily available way of finding a “life purpose.” Bam, have a kid. Now you know why you are here, at least for the next 18-20 or so years.
(That said, my mom recently said to me that she’s been grappling with life/meaning/what’s it all about/did she even contribute or do anything worthwhile? … and she had 6 children! All happy, productive members of society. So maybe existential angst is an equal-opportunity crisis.)
I wish I wanted it. It seems easier to be “normal.” Not the oddball, not the path-forger. It would be an easy way to make my in-laws happy, bond with them. I’d have more stuff in common with all my old girlfriends again (most of whom either have several kids or have baby fever). I’d be in the club (literally, a facebook club they started for moms).
But would I be happy? I just don’t know.
That’s so interesting about your mother’s existential crisis – I suppose we’re all doomed to ponder whether we did anything worthwhile, regardless of our actual contributions!
It’s always easier to go with the status quo. When someone asks what you do, if you say, “I’m a mom,” most people will praise you. Never mind the fact that technically women are capable of doing that at an average age of 12 (not that they should!) If you list all of your other accomplishments first, inevitably they will ask, “Any kids?” as if everything else wasn’t quite impressive enough. Oh, to be considered a success based on one thing that virtually every living creature on the planet can do. That would be nice, and if I wanted that I wouldn’t have to keep justifying my choices to people. Like my husband said, the majority is a comfortable place. We also find it completely uninteresting.
True – “I’m a mom” and “I’m a good mom” are two ENTIRELY different things. One of them much more impressive than the other.
Especially since you don’t even have to be conscious to get pregnant or be in the delivery room. One can get pregnant as a result of ignorance, poor planning, or by accident. Hardly the characteristics of an individual achievement.
(Sorry, a bit trollish today.)
Don’t worry, I am thoroughly irritated by the mommy worship, too. Being a mom seems like an easy trump card now. You don’t have to do anything else, and it’s a go-to excuse for anything and everything.
“Ma’am, you know that Hummers consume ridiculous amounts of gas?” “Umm, I’m a MOM. I don’t have time to find more fuel-efficient vehicles. Plus, my childrens are precious cargo! I will protect them at all costs!” Aaaand, cue a mob of people bowing before her and lavishing her with praise…..
Huh, so I still have some residual anger….
I think the “get out of doing ___” license is an unspoken but common reason for women to have babies. Certainly for my mother’s generation (though not for her) that was true. For some women it has become a kind of fall-back position or a default setting: “well, this is just too hard. Maybe I’ll just give up and have kids or something. If I have kids then I won’t have to do this anymore.”
What a lot of people need is to issue themselves their own licenses and not seek so much approval elsewhere. Whether you choose to have children or not, you have to give yourself permission to make that choice. Until you give yourself permission to make a choice, you will never really make the choice.
(Hmm, years of therapy and a dozen self-help books are starting to pay off for me….)
A lot of the benefits you see in having a baby are available by doing other things besides having a baby. Having a baby as a built-in excuse or ready-made license is not a good reason to have a kid, in my opinion. I know you’re probably joking, but I think a lot of people deep down have kids for those very reasons, whether they can admit it or not.
As for scenario 1 versus scenario 2, I’d point out that in Scenario 1 you can change your mind about being pregnant, while in Scenario 2 you can’t really change the situation. Number 1 comes with more options than Number 2, so maybe that’s one reason it’s less scary?
Oh, I know they’re not good reasons. They’re the lamest reasons of all, in fact. But it doesn’t make them any less…present, deep down. If I’m honest. But they’re certainly not the sort of reasons you base a decision on, so I won’t.
thank you for this sincere post! I’ve also been double-guessing my stance (more on the not-side) by spending 3 weeks with various friends and relatives in our multi-city tour summer vacation. I’ve seen so many kinds of parenting (and levels of frustration-satisfaction) in these past days, and wonder how would I fare in that continuum. But the main reason I find myself wondering about becoming a mommy is because my job is getting so darn hard, and I wish I could have a real break. And if I quit and became a stay-at-home spouse, how would I justify my existence? other than raising “a family.” (which is probably the opposite of a break!). These are tough choices…. I figure I just need to stick to my career in hopes I get better at it (and at time management and life/work balance), instead of using the baby blues as a way out. it’s tough w/society pressure too… no matter how hard you work, people will wonder about the ultimate benchmark for success—cute baby galleries in Facebook!
I know – with such a wide range of parenting styles and corresponding levels of satisfaction, it’s really hard sometimes to get an accurate picture of what YOUR situation would be like. I guess no one truly knows until they take the plunge!
Oh and as someone who also deals with the demons of writer’s block, I found this super inspiring:
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2012/01/03/25-things-writers-should-stop-doing/
Haha – SUCH a great post! Thank you for sharing!
Liz, you and Drew have such great senses of humor that if you all had a baby, you would have so much fun kidding around and laughing with your baby. That child would be laughing and smiling very early, I just know it.
Thanks, Amy! Hopefully we’d KEEP that sense of humor!
Thank you, thank you! You have given such accurate words to what I’m feeling. I’m almost 38 and SO want to want a child.
I love your blog and I think this is one of my favorite posts. The pressure to decide on having or not having one is entirely self-imposed for me. Not one family member, friend, co-worker, anyone thinks I’m a freak. It’s just all the wondering in my head that’s my worst enemy.
And yeah, sometimes I feel the need to sew 1000 blankets for needy kids overseas, climb Mt. Everest, start a foundation, or rescue 20 dogs if I don’t have kids.
Thanks for writing such great posts.
Thanks, Mary! I think this post really resonated with a lot of people – I never would have guessed there were so many people in my boat before I started writing this blog!
i find that i’m in the boat that if i don’t try to get pregnant (and by that i mean give up contraceptives no temperature reading etc) then I will always wonder what if its as if i need to do this for a set time and let the answer be what ever it is so that i can move on with my life whatever the result.
Well, that’s one way to do it! It sounds like you’ll at least have some closure then, one way or another.
While I’ve been happily childfree in my 10-year marriage, I always wondered if I’d be upset and regretful if anyone ever told me I couldn’t have children. Well, my choice was tested in late April when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 36. Prior to starting chemotherapy, my oncologist told me that I will most likely become infertile and hit early menopause. There were options I could take by freezing my eggs, etc. I didn’t skip a beat in my reply that I didn’t want children, and I’m surprised that it came so confidently and with no regrets. Actually, my cancer journey has reaffirmed my childfree life decision in ways I never thought possible! I will most likely write about this on my cancer blog so people don’t feel sorry for me for becoming infertile after everything else I’m going through!
Wow – well I suppose if there was a silver lining to your experience with cancer, it’s that it really seems to have cemented your thoughts on not having kids and leaves you with no doubts. There’s nothing like a hard, forced choice to make you see clearly! Thanks for sharing, Kelly.
I’m impressed by your thoughtful analysis of whether to have a baby or not. I’d like to share my story:
I never wanted children and told my prospective husband so. He said “okay” as long as I didn’t cut off my options (ie. get sterilized). So, we were married for 7 years when I accidentally got pregnant (hey, it happens). Needless to say, we were surprised and upset and struggled with what to do next. As we analyzed the upside and downside, we realized that we had been looking at all the negatives of becoming parents and when faced with the prospect, began to see some upside. The most significant was the ability to see the world through a child’s eyes; that sounded like fun. Hmmm.
Then I had a miscarriage. Ooookay. Problem solved, right? Actually, no. Since we started to look at the benefits of a child, we began to reconsider our childfree condition. We waited a year and then decided to stop using birth control and see what happened. I got pregnant the first month and we had a beautiful baby girl. I was almost 34. Our daughter just got married in May giving us a remarkable life experience we never expected to have.
I’m not at all saying that you should change your mind, but I will admit that I’m glad I kept my options open. Ironically, my only regret now is that we didn’t do this when we were younger, although, clearly we weren’t ready then. Perhaps my experience will allow some couples to see that not having your dreams come true is not as dire as one might think.
(P.S. My online name is “physicsmom” not because I wrap my identity around being a mother, but a poke at Sarah Palin’s “hockeymom.”)
There’s really nothing like a huge unexpected surprise to make you look at the issue differently, I’m sure. And I agree – though it probably would have been nice to have your daughter younger, we can’t really control when we’re ready for things, no matter how much we think through the issue. I know that if I wind up having kids, I’m going to wish I’d done it earlier, but hey – that’s life! Thanks for sharing your story!
I really like this post, because you’ve articulated something that I have only started to grasp. I’m more firmly in the childfree camp than you, but I also have step-kids. So, I waffle back and forth between feeling like I need to go out there and do something else amazing, or feeling like I can “just” be an amazing step-mom. It’s a weird line to walk…I’m still figuring it out!
And like other commenters have said, I know some seriously kick-ass moms that accomplish so much with kids (I don’t know how they do it!), and I know some moms that have struggled to find their identities and accomplish anything beyond raising their kids. It’s all part of the human condition, I think.
Thanks for the post.
Yes, stepmother-land is uncharted territory for me in terms of how that helps shape your identity and purpose in life. I don’t think I’ll have the opportunity to experience it first-hand (at least, I hope I don’t, because that’ll mean Drew and I are divorced or he’s steppin’ out on me or he’s got a big secret lurking in his past!), so I’m glad we’ve got your voice to contribute to the discussion!
I think you\’ve hit the nail on the head. Most people say that being a parent gives them purpose. It can turn a mindless mid-level secretary type of person with a dead end job into some sort of superhero overnight. It\’s as if nothing else matters because they can always whip out, \”well I\’m a MOM\”. Without this eternal get out of a petty life free card we have to blaze our own paths. We have to really think about the type of person we want to become, what we want to contribute to the world, and how we want to spend our time on this earth. It\’s much more daunting then simply popping one out and then for the rest of your life reminding everyone \”I\’m a MOM\”.
It’s so true. I feel like there are so many bad characters in books, movies and real life who might be this terrible person but then they’re totally redeemed by becoming a good mother. Which is great that they get their act together to be a good role model for their kid, but why couldn’t they turn their life around pre-kid?
I love your post, “I want to want a baby.” I feel the exact same way and I am glad I am not the only one out there. I am almost 30 and don’t have the urge to have a child and people are always asking me “why”. And the truth is I wish I wanted a baby, it would be easier than not wanting a baby. I could have a baby but I feel that if I don’t want one, I probably shouldn’t have one. And its none of anyone busniess why I don’t and I don’t have to answer to anyone. I was told once, “you will never find a guy to agree to never have children” from formally my ex. And I am married to a wonderful husband that agrees with me. May I change my mind…Maybe. Who knows??
Yup, that was a pretty ridiculous comment from your Ex. Obviously HE wouldn’t agree to not have children, but clearly there are tons of men out there who would. Glad you found yourself a good one!