The Great Happiness Debate: Childfree vs. Parents
The argument pendulum of who’s happier – parents or their Childfree counterparts – is swinging more frequently than the Six Flags Buccaneer ride, and frankly, I’m getting a little seasick.
After decades of common belief that Life Without Kids was life unfulfilled, a wave of studies produced a good amount of evidence that the Childfree were more satisfied with their life choices, and experienced greater levels of happiness. Perhaps a little overzealous at this turning of the tables, some of them used this like a weapon in defensive rants against the “breeder” lifestyle. But over the past month there’s been a new flood of articles purporting exactly the opposite – that parents are happier. And thus we’re back to the Childfree getting “you’ll regret it!” and “children are the greatest joy” and other choice BINGO remarks.
Why are we all so defensive about our own happiness, and judgmental about each other’s?
Maybe we’re ALL happier now, and shouldn’t we ALL be happy about that?
Before being voluntarily Childfree became an acceptable choice (though some might argue it’s still not), there were a lot more reluctant parents out there. People who had kids to please their mother-in-law, fit in with their friends, fulfill some societal role, or simply didn’t realize there was an alternative lifestyle available. But now, advances in more convenient birth control and better educating teenagers has decreased the number of accidental pregnancies.
And now that there are more options, and better ways to control outcomes, it stands to reason that of the people now having kids, a greater percentage of them really want those kids. And are thus more likely to actually enjoy their time with them and feel that it’s been a rewarding experience. By the same token, as the number of people who decide to remain Childfree increases, this is off-setting the number of people who are childless by circumstance and are (understandably) very unhappy with the hand they’ve been dealt. Sounds kind of utopic, right?
So why are we still fighting each other for the Happiness crown?
We should be striving for an equal 50/50 split on the happiness scale
As much as I complain about the every-kid-gets-a-trophy thing, this is one debate where I really hope there’s no winners or losers. Why should we be rooting for people to be unhappy with their life choices? So we can point our fingers and say “told you so!” or just sit back with a smug smile and enjoy? Sounds healthy.
I want as many happy parents out there as possible. Because happy parents tend to be engaged with their kids and less likely to allow them to scream at the top of their lungs for dessert while you’re trying to enjoy a nice Chinese chicken salad at the Cheesecake Factory. And parents should want the Childfree to be happy too. Because when they’re truly happy with the lifestyle they’ve chosen, they’re less compelled to publically sneer about baby showers and make a huge fuss over society’s glorification of motherhood.
Luckily, as the dialogue around this subject becomes louder, and women are waiting longer to have babies, people are really taking the time to think this through. And when having a baby becomes an educated decision rather than an impulse or societal requirement, everyone wins.
Why does it matter so much who’s happier anyways?
From the Fence-Sitter perspective, I’ll say it’s because we’re looking for an easy answer. I’m doing a lot of things to try and figure this out – blogging, processing sage advice from you guys, listening to friends and family, reading articles, books and other blogs, talking with Drew all the time and even soliciting advice from the cats after a glass or two (or bottle) of Chardonnay. [You can probably guess where they weigh in.]
But of course, what I’m really hoping for is some incredibly studious looking doctor/researcher figure to leap from the shadows with a clipboard and tell me that without a doubt, I should go for Option [insert right answer]. That I’d be a fool not to, that all the evidence points in its favor, that my happiness and life satisfaction are virtually guaranteed.
Not gonna happen, I know. And meanwhile, the Happiness War has done nothing but distract me, making me think there might be an empirical answer if I just wait for the right evidence to appear. But at least there’s a silver lining in knowing that as long as we make the choice that’s right for us, the latest flip-flopping of evidence reassures me that we’ll probably be happy.
(photo credit: quizilla.teennick.com)
41 Responses to The Great Happiness Debate: Childfree vs. Parents
Leave a Reply
 |  |
   |
What’s important is that each person does the right this for them and is true to themselves – happy parents and happy childfrees! Or as happy as they can be considering everything else in their lives!
Hear, hear! Well put, Lynn.
Yeah, this whole happiness thing is hard to figure out. Honestly, I think I was more satisfied with my life before I had a kid, and perhaps before I got married, too. Had neither ever happened, I would have been basically content. Except for the times when I wasn’t…every once in a while I’d get down and playing a computer game or going for a run didn’t seem significant enough to pick me up. Now, I’m less peaceful and less calmly satisfied, but I can always rely on time with my wife or daughter to demonstrate something that matters, something that if I put energy into, I get rewards from. Not like magic, and not every time I would want it, but consistently enough to keep me from having those down moments anymore. That’s just me though…I know plenty of people who have kids that are still depressed. Personally, I can say definitely that I have more spikes of joy, more heart-filling moments as a parent. Which seems like an obvious plus, unless you’re like me and mostly wishing for smooth sailing and feeling like being continuously content is as good or better than being intermittently joyful. Do those joyful moments outweigh the inconvenience and the loss of productivity and even career possibilities, do those moments outweigh being consciously satisfied by doing pretty much what I want? I think so, but even if it didn’t, I’d have to tell myself that it did since it’s the life I have.
It’s possible that if I had just made a habit of going out and working on Habitat for Humanity during those drifting down times, instead of just trying to do something for myself, that would have been plenty to keep me feeling like I was doing significant, worthwhile things. Maybe I didn’t need the wife and kid to feel worthwhile and whole.
I wonder how a study would look that mostly polled people in the 60-80 year old demographic. I often think of that time as being a little more depressing than the time I’m currently in (a little age-ist, right? oh well), and I wonder if having had kids makes those people much happier, since they’ve already gone through a lot of the hard part of raising kids. Or if they look back and just think about what they might have done had they not had kids…
Sorry for the long comment. I just kept writing while I was musing…
Thanks for your honesty, Neal! It’s an interesting point that many of us may have to tell ourselves that we made the right choice and we’re happier as we are, regardless of whether it’s true, because otherwise we’d go insane. I too, wonder about the elderly – it seems like there’s mixed info on that, and it largely depends on how often their kids call and visit, which makes perfect sense. I’d be pretty sad if I got to that age and realized what I’d given up to raise a bunch of kids that I could barely consider to still be a part of my life if they never called or visited. I’d love to do that study if I had the time and money, and wasn’t so afraid of old people.
I know, if only old people weren’t so weird and…OLD, I’d spend a lot more time with them. I wonder if I’ll say that about my parents in ten years, and if they’ll rue the day they had me. “Sorry mom, you just kind of creep me out, you’re so old.”
Our daughter (2) tends to call all old people “mean,” because that’s how interprets the wrinkles and frown-lines that they sport when not actively grinning. She gets us into even more trouble with old people.
Oh, you won’t say that about your own parents because by then, WE’LL be old too!
Interestingly, I just read a study on this. A demographic of about 2500 elderly from ages ranging from late fifties (that’s considered elderly? Yowza!) to late eighties was completed a few years ago in America. I can’t be bothered to look for it at the minute, but the info is widely available.
Basically it shows that voluntarily childfree people and people who had good relationships with their adult children reported EXACTLY THE SAME level of life satisfaction. People who had difficult relationships with their children reported being unhappier and more depressed.
The things that played on their minds the most were: Health, if a partner or spouse was deceased, and if they were financially secure. Having raised a family did not seem to affect future happiness, contentment or regrets in any discernable way unless the experience had been a negative one and then obviously the resulting emotions tended toward the negative. The Childfree had simply done other, meaningful things with their lives that they looked back upon as equally rewarding and fulfilling.
This doesn’t answer the “should I or shouldn’t I” question…but it does remove the “You will die lonely and miserable full of regrets” Bingo. Seemingly, (and there has been more than one peer reviewed study on this topic) as long as you follow your heart and live a healthy life you should be perfectly happy in old age either way. Unless your kids are a-holes. But we all knew that already…right?
So it seems that the least risky option in terms of regret and sadness in old age is NOT to have them. And yes, I can’t believe late fifties is elderly!!! My mom will freak out if she reads this comment.
Interesting! I’d love to find that study. So, least risky might be not to have them, unless you think you’re leaning towards having them. In which case you might be the one who regrets. I wonder if that study gets into more detail about just how committed each group was to its path…because there’d probably be a difference between people who didn’t have kids because they REALLY don’t want kids, and those who didn’t have them because life and time just sort of passed them by.
For amyjane: if you find the link, I’ll teach my two-year-old to say, “That Amy Jane is such a nice lady.”
I know, that’s the problem – there’s about a billion factors in play!
I’ll have a nose around and post the link here if I can find it again…
It is an interesting question you pose…I think because I am so firmly in the “Don’t want to be a parent” camp I assume that the people in this study felt the same.
The only time I really hear about people being older and having regrets about not having children is when they really wanted them and for some reason they couldn’t. As I swiftly (eek!) approach 40, this is the bingo that is thrown at me thick and fast…the “But you will regret it when you are old” clanger.
So I have really looked into every corner of the internet to try to find if this seems to be true. For some reason…this is the only one that scares me a little. Not seeing my face in my newborns features? No nativity play to sit through? First tooth /meal/ fart/funny face? Sounds nice, really it does…for you. Uh, yeah, I’m pretty cool with not experiencing that. I got a puppy…they do all that shit too. But the lonley and full of regret old lady thing gets under my skin.
So far from all of the endless internet searching I did…it would seem as long as you feel good in your decision not to reproduce, there is not much pining over “what could have been”…I havn’t heard a peep of regret from the thousands who opted out of parenthood and chose with careful thought to be Childfree.
Parents who don’t like parenthood are headlining every blog and newspaper article out there though…a weird backlash agains the Cult of Mommy. And really, if 10 to 20% of the population NEVER has children , wouldn’t the “I’m so sad I never did it?” contingent be represented out there? But search for it…and there isn’t much of that sentiment out there.
I just don’t get any of it. I look at parenthood like I look at car racing. I know it exists…and I know people get really worked up about it…but, well, it looks really boring to me and I really could care less about it. But I also get that some people really love it too.
There you go. Parenthood is as interesting to me as Nascar. I said it.
…going to search for that link now…
AmyJane, I totally relate, but keep in mind – as you and I reach Old Person status, there are going to be a lot more Childfree Old People. The Childfree old people that are around right now may regret not having kids because they feel lonely since they’re one of a very small population in their age range. But you will have PLENTY of other oldies to sit around and play cards with at the home someday.
Yeah, I hear you, Amyjane. I’d still love to read that article! I do think though, that there’s a difference between “never wanted to have kids” and “when everything was balanced out, I wanted to have kids a little less than I wanted other things.” It sounds like for you, you had a hard time coming up with ANY reason to want kids. But I wonder how many people feel THAT way. Also, I have to agree that I’m not really in love with all the things that pets and kids have in common. I’m excited for when my daughter grows beyond the pet stage.
Although, here’s ONE thing that I do love about her right now:
http://www.dadcentric.com/2012/06/30-days-of-30-dads-neal-call.html
Good post! Unfortunately I work with a welfare population so I see people all the time who have children but didn’t plan them (and often aren’t happy that they have them). However, of course I want parents to be happy and I want non-parents to be happy! I do wish that society didn’t sensationalize people for having 6 or more kids. I also wish that society didn’t place a negative light on the childfree people out there. But if you take out “society” and just ask people, I bet there are are equal amount of happy parents and happy non-parents, which is the way it should be!
Wow Rachel, I imagine you deal with some pretty interesting parental situations on a daily basis. I guess we sensationalize 6+kids for the same reason we enjoy watching horror movies.
I’m so glad I came across your blog. I’m 28 and pretty much in the same boat as you. Happily married to a guy who is also on the fence. I’ve been a little obsessed with the kids question for the past 3 years. Before stumbling upon the childfree movement, I had always just assumed I would have kids… I never considered the alternative. I’ve been weighing both scenarios for a while and, like you, will probably continue to do so. Whatever I decide, I’m SO glad I will have actually made an informed decision instead of just going along with what I thought I was “supposed” to do.
Thanks for your blog. I’ll definitely be a regular reader.
I’m glad you found me Atlantalee – it’s always good to have another thoughtful reader (and contributor!) who’s in the same boat. Thanks for your comment!
i too have heard and read the various reports that have come out and they do seem to swing like a giant pendulum. I guess the answer if you have children would very with the age of and number of them. happiness is such a hard word to define and if you don’t wake up in the morning screaming ecause of a decsion you have made then one can assume that you are happy (ukless of course you had a nightmare). Over the weekend i was visited by my cousin and her children miss6 and mr 4.5 intersting she confirmed what i thought she has no time only days in week not taken up are monday and tuesday the rest is her sport practice daughters sports practice, pippens, and then their games on saturday and sunday. My worst thought is to have a child that plays weekend sport there goes the fortnightly trips away to the holiday home. Now i know i could put my foot down and say no weekend sport i wouln’t have an issue with this its a left over of having a sporty brother and having every weekend while i was living at home taken up with his sport and such affected what we could do over the weekend.
Yeah, there’s probably a lot you could put your foot down on to make your life easier as a parent, but I imagine it’s hard to actually do that when push comes to shove because you’d probably feel overwhelmingly guilty about it. I’ve definitely known parents who have kids in sports and when you ask about their weekend every Monday, all they’ve done is shuttle the kids from game to game and practice to practice. Yikes!
I’ve become a faithful reader of your blog and your posts (and a lot of the comments people write) are really helping me evaluate my own struggle with whether or not to have children. I too have put together “things I want to do” lists and realize that none of them involve children. However, I also took it to heart the comment someone wrote that you can still have selfish list of what “I” want to do AND still have children in your life. I think I’ve been jamming a whole lot of living in my past few years (law school, travel, work, buying a house etc.) that I haven’t had time to think about a baby. Thus, by default, I began thinking one could not fit in my busy life. Last night I was thinking about your blog and I asked myself, if I continued with my “busy-ness” these next couple of years (I’m 32 btw), I would be happy, yes, but after that time, where would I be? We would have a lot more wonderful experiences under our belts and a lot of fabulous pictures documenting our life along the way but then what? What do I want to do with the REST of my life after that? I started realizing that my childless 40 year old self might want to travel back in time to tell my 32 year old self that yes, doing all this is fun, but just stop for a minute and think about what you want beyond the next 6-8 years. Where will I be after I’ve crossed even more destinations off the “must see” list, and have continued with working my 50 hour weeks? Then what? Will it be too late? Am I just using my current “busy-ness” as an excuse to avoid dealing with the anxiety of change and the unknown? After being slapped around by my imaginary childless 40 year old self for a while, I think I realized that maybe I do want to have a child (but just one- that’s all I could handle!) and that I can actively choose to have my own life still and not lose myself entirely in the process (and this doesn’t make me a bad mother). I think I am going to talk to my husband about it tonight. Ahhh, wish me luck!
I have the exact same thoughts sometimes! It seems like there’s so much to do in the world that I could never possibly be bored with it, but after 20+ years of being an adult and traveling and doing whatever I want, I wonder if I’ll start to get bored. And by then, it might seem to overwhelming to have a baby and I’ll wish I was already 10 years into the process. But, it’s very hard to act now on how you MIGHT feel in the future. This is a really, really tough one and you’ve phrased the problem so well. I hope your talk with your husband goes well and you come to a decision you feel good about!
I would point out that having a child out of boredom may be just about the worst reason to have a child. At least, if you do get bored traveling and doing everything you want, it’s not clear how having a child is really going to fix that boredom. Most likely that would generate some new varieties of boredom.
But, if having a life of enormous individual freedom is a real cause of boredom, then having children would be a pretty damn good cure. Reduce that pesky autonomy thing, and watch the excitement begin!
That’s true – there would be some unparalleled levels of boredom in watching the same Disney movie 8 million times, I’m sure. Whoa – I actually just fell asleep for a minute while writing this response!
I too have the similar thought lately its come about more i always thought i would leave my current job and have a child and go back to work maybe once they are well and truely at school. However a rather large spanner has been thrown into the equation recently that i hadn’t given any though and that is that since i work for my dad what happens when he retires while i have been assured that there will be a job there for me if i want it it won’t be the same and won’t come with the freedoms i have now. This could happen in the next 5 years but then again it could also be pushed out further or prehaps brought forward. If I leave it until then it really is going to be too ate dh will be 54 and i’m not comfortable with that not to mention the fact that i will be 38.
Very true – you never really know what awaits you in the workforce if you decide to take substantial time off for kids!
Hi–author of Families of Two here…I just had to comment. The “happiness” debate is frustrating. So often research labels the childfree wrong and call them childess and vice versa. There is a big difference between the two. ChildLess may very well be less happy than parents because they Want children but don’t have them. The childFree, ( they have no children because they don’t want to be parents) and I have talked with thousands of them of all ages, backgrounds, etc., don’t regret that they did not become parents. They are and remain happy with their choice. But the biggest thing to me is that the whole discussion has the undertone of making children “the variable to happiness. In truth, many things are variables to happiness! The focus on children says more about the pervasiveness of pronatalism, which is what my new book takes on–for parents and not, and fence sitters, Check out The Baby Matrix – it will open your eyes to why we think the way we do when it comes to parenthood and reproduction! http://lauracarroll.com
It’s so true – things have been wildly simplified in these articles to imply that babies are the only variable. I’m sure there’s also all kinds of indicators of happiness that are in place before people choose to have a baby or not, and probably remain the main factors of happiness, child or not. Congrats on your new book – how exciting! I will definitely have to check it out.
Love your blog, always enjoy your posts. Just had to say, the invisible pregnancy test cat photo is HYSTERICAL.
I know, best meme EVER! Glad you’re enjoying the blog!
Maybe this whole back and forth “happiness” competition is because, deep down, everyone wants to win. No real reason, just ego. For most of us it’s not enough to simply be happy and content, we have to be better than others. Sorry if that sounds like dorm room philosophy…
Almost every childfree website (or parenting site that brings up the subject) I’ve been to has been heavily skewed towards this line of thinking. I think both sides resent each other on some level because both feel insulted by the other sides choice. Really sucks for the fence-sitters.
I do think that you’ll make a fully measured decision, though.
It is amazing how powerful and ridiculous our egos are, isn’t it? Seems we should have better things to do with our time and mental energy.
“even soliciting advice from the cats after a glass or two (or bottle) of Chardonnay.”
Just checking here, because some earlier photos lead me to wonder: Would the cats be drinking the Chardonnay or would you be drinking the Chardonnay? I can see the cats might give different feedback depending on this. (Or maybe not.)
Dang prepositional phrases.
Jacques cares only for Merlot – he would never deign to drink my Chardonnay!!
Love this blog, Maybe Lady, because it takes such a balanced approach to a hot button topic. I think that DowagerLady (who commented above) is onto something — maybe the childed and childfree go at each other out of sheer ego, because I can’t think that it could be anything else. I’m CF and very happily so. I want all of my childed friends and family member to be happy with the choices they have made — and why wouldn’t I want that for them? I love them all dearly. To wish misery on another human being makes me a miserable person who, IMHO, might be a little miserable with my own life. Again, thanks for the great blog.
Thank you for the compliment, Lisa Marie! Agreed, I want all my childed friends and family to be happy, and I’ll even extend that to all childed people, everywhere – because unhappy people make the world a crappier place for everyone!
It’s all absurd.
Not you on the fence but people trying to push you off one way or the other. How do they know that they’re happier (with kids) than you are (without). Kind of like my broken leg hurts more than yours.
Less crap, more love.
P.S. Email me because I know what you should do.
Less crap, more love – I really need that on a t-shirt!
Fwiw. IMO.
If you’re bored with your life, have a baby! You will learn many new aspects of your body. You will appreciate your life like never before. But first, make sure you have good emotional and practical support.
You will appreciate finishing a meal.
You will appreciate finishing your meal while it’s hot.
You will appreciate being in the bathroom by yourself.
Ditto alone time.
Ditto clean floors.
Ditto many things you may have taken for granted, like hobby time.
You may delve into the depths of your soul to be a role model, when kiddo is seriously getting on your nerves and aural endurance.
You may become fascinated by the personality asserting her-himself into your life.
You may be in awe at their learning abilities, and become eager to show them all the good things in the world.
You may be humbled by this responsibility of nurturing this human being.
You will plumb your confidence, and laugh at various parenting advice (my motto “all kids are individual”).
***
I do agree it’s best to make the best choice for the situation. I begin to accept there is no Correct choice. I wish my sister was more comfortable being child-free, though she would be a great mother and role model.
***
If you do decide you want a kid, seriously research all the normal pitfalls! (I haven’t read all your posts, so you may have already found out about episiotomies, split caesareans, mastitis, tongue-tie…honestly, I’m sure I wouldn’t have chosen to be a mum if I had done. Otoh maybe I would have been better prepared for the pitfalls I encountered after I had made the choice.)
Take life as it comes, because there is no “Reload From Save”.
Oh my, what a terrifying last paragraph! I really haven’t looked into that side of things too much because I already know it’s going to horrify me. But you’re right, it’s not something I can ignore if I really want to consider all sides of the issue.
I have 2 grown children and one who is school aged. What I can tell you is that friends of mine also in there 40′s who were depressed as teens are still depressed adults. Some have kids , most do not and it does not matter a lick. Since nobody can predict the future I would say that 90% of happiness is based on ones personality.
My child free friends who choose there lifestyle would never want kids but they do not hate mine. They see me as a good mother and my dh as a good dad. The only people I see who wish they had chosen another path are those who made 1,000 excuses about why they are not successful at work or in there relationships . They lack the personal strength to face up to the results of there choices.
Kids , like old people , are hard to deal with. Nobody is standing there with an award every time you change a nappy or go to a school play. You do not get a raise or all the days off you want but you have pride that you were there for someone else who looks to you for a hand up.
The way I made my choice was I refused to see kids as takers and myself as a giver. I offer of my free will to them and they accept. It’s not a contest, it’s love. My dh and I decided what we had to offer was better suited to kids. It was win win. I hope that helps!
That was an interesting point about not seeing yourself as a giver and kids as takers – I think it’s hard for me not to think in those terms now because I can’t clearly see the things that kids would give ME because it’s not something I’ve always wanted. But maybe it’s more a matter of looking further into the future in terms of what they’ll offer as adult children. Thanks for your comment!