An Accidentally (Or Not?) Childfree Bucket List
Drew and I went to San Francisco last weekend to visit our friends Ben and Caroline, and I was struck by a pretty powerful observation on the way up. We’d decided to drive, because we’re crazy and don’t mind an insanely long road trip, and it gives us time to have nice long chats. And probably half of all those chats are prompted by one of us saying,
“Wouldn’t it be cool if someday we…”
This trip was no exception. By the time we hit the Bay Bridge, we determined that it would be pretty awesome if we could:
- Own an RV with a hot tub on top (is this even street-legal?)
- Chip in with our nine collective siblings and siblings-in-law for a family lakehouse
- Round up all our friends for a week-long City Slickers-esque cattle drive as soon as someone proves themselves badass enough to light a match on their jawline stubble
- Eat a hot dog in every MLB stadium (that was Drew’s)
Aside from each of these being wildly unrealistic, they share one other thing in common:
None of these plans have anything to do with kids.
In fact, many of them would be rather difficult to achieve with babies in tow. And come to think of it…neither of us has EVER ended a “Wouldn’t it be cool if” statement with anything even remotely child-related. We’ve never pontificated on the joys of setting up a Slip ‘N Slide in our (fictitious) backyard, or getting whacked by a rogue piñata bat at our future kid’s birthday party. Probably the closest we’ve come is saying it would be funny if Drew someday coached one of our friends’ kids’ Little League teams because he could freely criticize poor batting skills without being accused of nepotism.
Believe it or not, it’s taken several years of these chats for me to notice this very distinct missing element. And of course, it sent me directly into “What does it all mean?!” mode.
What DOES it all mean?
We got into town and asked our friends this very question over a pretty tasty meal of fried chicken and IPA’s at the BlueJay Cafe. Caroline thought it made perfect sense. Since we don’t spend any time around kids, they’re not really on our radar and thus probably wouldn’t be popping into our heads unprovoked. She didn’t interpret it as a sign that we didn’t want them.
On some level, this makes sense. But it doesn’t explain why everyone I talk to who wants kids seem to get all twinkly-eyed over the idea of ballet lessons or Mickey Mouse ears for the whole family at Disneyland. They’ve thought these things through, they very much look forward to them. And I can understand that – there’s not much I do in life without carefully planning and then spending a significant amount of time looking forward to the things I’m excited about. So…why haven’t I been looking forward to the great things in life that come from having kids?
A Very Telling Bucket List
When we got back home, I remembered that Drew and I made a collective bucket list a while back on a different road trip. I dug it out and read through it. There were 102 items, ranging from finding someone’s lost dog to attending a NASCAR race (?) to eating something out of a hotel fridge with total disregard for the price…but not a single one referenced anything to do with having children in our lives.
I can’t help noticing that when I look towards the future, I see a lot of things. But kids never seem to make an appearance there without being forced. Is this evidence? Or just youth (says the person who’s 31 and not really so youthful anymore)?
35 Responses to An Accidentally (Or Not?) Childfree Bucket List
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I read your blog quite a lot and usually only lurk, but I thought I’d share.
I’ve never wanted kids. From the time I was 17 I knew I wasn’t a fan of children. When I was married and about 23-25 I thought…maybe. Soon after that I thought hell no, and thank god as a few years later I’m now divorced. I have started to date a guy that I’ve known for a few years now. He knows my stance on kids, but the more we date and are together I can see me having a (yes A) child with him. However I still talk just like you do in this post, I never see myself with kids (and for the record I really, really [no REALLY] don’t like other people’s kids! It’s ok though Mom says the same thing) plan things with kids or anything like that.
I’m glad we aren’t alone in our thoughts and confusion. I turn 30 on Sunday and have been dating my BF for 7 months now, with no engagement in sight yet (and that’s totally ok) it just gets kind of scary thinking that if we do have a child how old will I be!
Thanks for un-lurking, Amber! How interesting that your thoughts have shifted a little on this – I’ll be very curious to hear what you eventually wind up doing!
Keeping in mind my personal bias as a childfree woman, I’ve got to say this is telling. Not totally decisive, of course, but still telling.
If you’re trying to shoe-horn in kids unnaturally, it might be a sign that you’re not all that interested in them. Think about it this way: Society encourages us to have children, yes? It’s natural. And most people simply expect to have kids without giving much thought. So if, even with all of the societal pressures and being presented with the traditional “lifescript” (Career, marriage, kids), you’re not thinking about kids, that is telling.
And the tone of the article kind of suggests that having kids would effectively “end” your life. At least the one you’re accustomed to.
We are taught to move around so many things, make so many accomodations to have children. But I rarely hear people ask a couple if they want them. Weird.
Anyways, that’s my opinion. I’ve read your blog quite frequently, and it seems that you’re more on the “no” side of the fence, but are trying to argue for having children.
At the very least, I think you two are a couple that will go into parenthood, should you choose to, with no illusions, unlike most people.
Wow, when you said, “it might be a sign that you’re not all that interested in them,” I think I realized that I’ve never been independently interested in having kids – it was always just this decision I thought I had to make and I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be missing out on something important in life. Hmmm. Also telling.
Well, a lot of people say, of having kids, “I just thought it was something you were supposed to do”. So, I see why you would think that. I know I did. Heck, I’d say most people think that kids are an inevitability that must be dealt with in one way or another.
Again, I have to be critical of your eating habits. First Taco Bell, and now you want to eat stadium hot dogs? As a person who once ate tacos made at a gas station, I guess I shouldn’t judge, but know that it comes from a place of concern. On the other hand, if you eat a hot dog that’s rancid enough, you or your husband may become sterile (That can happen, right? Let’s assume that can happen.) thus rendering your baby decision made!
On a more serious note, I have a question that you could use for another post, and I’m sure that some of your friends or relatives has already asked: What would you do if you did get pregnant unexpectantly? Besides panic, I mean.
What a question! Well, since you know I don’t believe that many accidental pregnancies are true accidents, and that if you REALLY don’t ever want a baby, you’d make damn sure you took every precaution…if I were to accidentally get pregnant, it would either mean I subconsciously wanted one and did (or didn’t do) something to make it happen, or it truly would be the accident of the century and I might just have to take that as a sign. I’m too much of a what-iffer to not have it at that point.
Could be a spontaneous pregnancy because of miticlorians, like in _Star Wars_, but then your kid would grow up to be Darth Vader. Something to think about…..
You know, my friends would not be at all surprised if I birthed a baby Darth…
That’s exactly why I am in the same boat. My bucket list would be so difficult with kids: own a bakery, travel abroad, own some land…There is no time for kids, or money.
And about the Slip ‘N Slide, you don’t need kids for that! LOL We disregarded the age limit and had one at a BBQ with friends a couple of years ago. It was so much fun! We didn’t worry about kids crying over falling on their face or who’s turn it was.
My last adult experience with the Slip N Slide was when a group of frat boys set theirs up to end at our chairs in the Kentucky Derby infield a few years ago. Perhaps that’s why I’m still traumatized by the idea of it. Let me know if you open that bakery, I do love me some good baked treats.
I don’t believe that a bucket list should be different if you have kids after all they should be a part of your life not your whole life. Its good to want to do things that don’t invovle any future or existing children it proves that you do have a life that doesn’t revolve around those children afterall they are only young for a short period of time. I would be worried if someones bucket list involved their kids entirely i would wonder whos list it was their or the kids. children shouldn’t stop you from living your life as you want to live it. There are always options to exclude the kids from an actiuvity if its not child appropriate. Its all about balance
A good point – I think mine was certainly UNbalanced in one direction – hopefully that would change if I actually had kids, but not swing all the way in the other direction.
LOL- I’m having the same reaction to 31 (with some surprisningly strong reactions to grey hairs coming in!):). Excellent points- may not mean that you don’t want’em but the consistent absence is… consistent. Being surrounded by people with children in the Midwest, it’s hard to not think about it, but my thoughts typically center around, “Wow, I don’t want/couldn’t to do that” or “How do people do that?! Multiple times?!”
In addition to having developed lots of respect for parents, I’m also getting more comfy with the idea that there is *always* a road not traveled: children being one choice of “road.” Unfortunately, no one has figured out a way to live multiple realities simultaneously yet (I definitely don’t want to go back to school for the necessary info:)).
Random question: if possible, would you want to be able to live multiple slimultaneous realities? Why or why not?
What a question! I’d have to say yes, so we could do a true experiment of whether one person would have been happier with kids or without them. There will never be any other way to know the answer!
See, this is why we need to get started on creating a Holodeck.
Even though we know it will go crazy 90% of the time.
Wow, I had to Google “Holodeck” – you went deep for that one!
Before we had our daughter, I don’t think I ever wrote a list that included something I wanted to do with an infant. Now that I have her (and I like her pretty well), doing things with her two-year-old self still isn’t something I dream of. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being with her, it’s just that it’s never merely relaxing and rarely unadulterated fun. Being with my daughter is a little more like saying:
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“wouldn’t it be cool someday if I worked my butt off, got lots of rejection letters, had to get temp jobs to pay the bills, had lots of experiences with sacrifice and disappointment that gave me more things to write about, and then finally published a best-seller right when I was going to give up?”
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It’s not the sort of thing I totally hope for, but if it happened, it would all be worth it, right? Probably.
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I do, however, look forward to being able to play tennis with my daughter. And to going backpacking with her. And to holding her softly against my chest as she sobs about having made the right decision about breaking up with a douche-bag boyfriend (is that a weird one to look forward to?). I look forward to seeing her make good decisions, and to being the rock she leans on when she makes bad ones. It’s nice to be needed.
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Also, a hot-tub on the roof is cool, but have you ever thought about hauling an “endless pool” behind you on a trailer? THAT would be kick-a. One person could drive, the other could swim.
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Enjoying browsing your blog. I think I’ll add it to my reader. Luck with your choices!
Ah, thank you for reminding me how depressing the life of a writer is! And yet how strange so many of us choose to voluntarily put ourselves through it. Same with parenting, though I’d never recognized the parallel until your comment. So thank you for providing me with something to chew on…
Now I’M thinking about how depressing it is to be a writer, too. There must have been a better analogy to use…
Really makes you wonder why we do it. But as my writing instructor always tells us, “Go ahead, quit. See if you can!” And…I never can.
what a fun list! I need a bucket list full of awesomeness just like that. When I turned 25, I made a list of “five things to do before 30,” and the first item was “remain single and childless”–a condition that I thought was required to achieve the other 4 items (finish grad school, publish something, travel abroad, learn another language). Now, at 32, I realize I partially achieved the list items before my 31st birthday (if HTML is considered a language… and Puerto Rico counts as abroad… if co-authored papers count as publishing…). But I did get married at 31, and no kids yet.
And I have to say, as I try to think of 5 things to do before 35… having kids is still not one of them. Not in the 5 year plan. And as I brainstorm five adventures or challenges for the next three years (publish more papers! ballroom dancing! half marathon!), none of them seem compatible with parenting either.
On the other hand, I cannot imagine how a trip to Disney with the family can be in anybody’s list (anybody over 10-years-old). I think any themed park in Southern CA or Orlando is the closest you can get to hell on earth (lines…overpriced food… impatient toddlers… sober people in costumes… more lines).
I imagine probably many bucket list items are tough to do once you have kids, simply because many of them are somewhat difficult, expensive and require the ability to drop everything and focus on it. I guess we should all just try and rip through them as fast as possible no matter what, and I say YES, you DID achieve all five of yours before 30 – those all count!
If you make a true list of the top ten things you want to do with your life and having kids isn’t on it then I think you have your answer. I do.
That’s true, and perhaps that’s the list I should be making instead of a ridiculous 100+ item bucket list where we just threw any old thing on there. If we were really forced to pick the top 10 things we wanted to have in our lives, it would be interesting to see what made its way on there.
I just turned 30 in the past couple of days, and children just don’t seem to be on my husband and my radar, either. When I was in my early 20s I thought I would adopt a whole bunch, but was never driven to conceive and birth. When I met my husband, I decided that I would think about giving birth if he would have wanted a child. We both think adoption is also still an option. Lately, though, we both have been enjoying our married life together…sans children. He is super supportive and will go with whatever I decide (we decide) and says that he is happy just the way we are (i.e. he doesn’t feel ‘empty’ or like something is missing). He says that we are a family no matter if we have kids or not.
As time goes on for me, I really am leaning towards no kids (even adopted). I am interested in my career and my bucket list doesn’t include children-related activities either. Sure, I have some days when I think it would be neat to have a child…but that isn’t reason to have one (I just babysit). My husband and I are also open to foster-parenting, but not in the next few years.
Those who know me get so upset when I say I really am thinking about no kids…when they ask me about it. They reflect back on how I wanted a huge number of kids, etc. etc. Well, yes, I also wanted to marry Charlie Sheen in that Heidi flick “Courage Mountain”…you don’t seem me still wanting that now do you? ;0)
Good luck and I am so happy to have found you site.
Haha, yes! None of us should be held accountable for statements made under the age of 30! We were all just crazy back then. Well, it sounds like the dialogue is open between you and your husband, so I’m sure the right answer will present itself eventually. Okay, maybe that’s just what I’m hoping for myself, but if I write it to you as advice, it sounds more believable.
My husband and I were sitting in a meeting with our financial advisor this morning discussing mortgages, (that right there folks is my “wild and crazy hedonistic CF lifestyle” rearing its fuzzy head) You know, right after we recovered from the all night hot-tub party. Not.
I digress.
But as we were discussing fixed term options, he unexpectedly popped out with “You know, you two…the clock is ticking. I don’t want to get you stuck in a two bed flat in London when in five years you have three little ones and no way out…” And my husband and I in perfect stereo responded:
“NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.”
So. I guess that firmly placed what side of the fence we are both sitting on. And really…I am getting fertility advice from my mortgage company now? Egads!
There should be some kind of mandatory Childfree sensitivity training for certain industries – this is one of them. On a semi-related note, I was thinking of doing a post soon on how kids-or-not isn’t a factor in getting approved for a mortgage – they assume everyone’s going to have them and they judge their financial capabilities accordingly. Since my husband and I could expect to have roughly $1 million more over a lifetime than a couple with four kids, how are we approved by the same standards? Coming soon…
Oh, gosh. Is your bucket list telling you what you really want? I don’t know. I don’t know you personally. I do think that sensibilities change over time — how much yours will change is still a mystery even to you, right? It galls me to no end that some CF folks think that you absolutely, positively cannot change your mind, never-ever-ever, no, no, NO! People change as they grow older, and their priorities change.
My bucket list has always had a lot of wonderful, exciting things on it that didn’t involve children, and I have been able to accomplish a lot on that list thus far that I would have never been able to had me and the better half become parents. But the bucket list was only one reason that led me to choose to be CF, the others being money, my health (autoimmune disorder — go me!), my desire to keep my relationship with my fella intact, and general lack of interest in parenting.
It’s good that you’re thinking about this carefully. Whatever path you and your husband choose, sounds to me like you’ll be prepared for it.
P.S. I too am a writer (genre fiction). I can even probably guess where you intern.
Very true – I’m sure my bucket list will be even more laughable to me 10 years from now. You probably CAN guess where I’m interning (though that just came to an end this week – need to update my profile!) considering the extreme plethora of publishing industry opportunities in LA! (Not.)
“We’ve never pontificated on the joys of setting up a Slip ‘N Slide in our (fictitious) backyard,”
To be fair, Slip ‘N Slides are pretty fun, regardless of whether or not you have kids.
True, but they’re so much more painful to use as an adult.
Oh my GOSH, where has your blog been all my [married] life!?!? This particular post is exactly how much husband and I (26 and 29, respectively) feel! We love our 7 nieces and nephews but could care less about having ankle biters of our own. Our bucket list and future plans include everything BUT children. I don’t think it’s completely out of the question, but it’s definitely not on our radar today (or tomorrow, or the next day…). Thank goodness we are not alone!!!
If I’ve learned one thing from writing this blog, it’s that you’re definitely not alone in not wanting to have children!
Welcome to the discussion!
My husband and I are the same way. I never realized it before and I do think it’s telling. At least for me. On the flipside, a good friend has always wanted kids and her bucket lists and future plans have always featured them… Really interesting post!