Mister Maybe’s Thoughts on Babies
It takes two to make a baby (who knew?), and two to make a baby decision. Now that I’ve been spouting off for a while, I thought you guys might like to hear what Drew thinks about all this. Here it is, in his own words:
We’ve decided to decide together
It always surprises me to find out what couples don’t talk about. I’ve met people who have gotten married and haven’t discussed and agreed on philosophies of money, family and most importantly, LATE NIGHT FAST FOOD! This all just seems like a recipe for future friction fracturing a…family?. (yep, I just did that)
So this is the part where you say, ‘hey stupid, sounds like you didn’t agree on the baby thing either’. But one thing we did agree on before we got married is that we would decide together. If Liz told me tomorrow that she wanted kids, I’d fire up the Barry White machine and we’d get to work. And she likewise, no problem.
So, that’s our understanding. We’ve agreed that neither of us would be utterly crushed with either outcome, so we’ll wait until someone feels strongly about it. And if the day comes where one of us wants a kid, and it’s still physically possible, we’ll do it. If it’s not possible or safe, we won’t and that’s the day I’ll go out and buy a Porsche and we’ll enjoy the hell out of the rest of our lives together.
I think that’s pretty rare for a couple, but I’m pleased to say that this is the fact of our marriage. It may seem strange that we could both be at peace with either side of a wildly life-changing decision, but
Life is a lot easier when you’re a happy person
I’ve had some crappy things happen to me in my life and I’ve also made some boneheaded decisions, but I’m happy because I want to be happy. I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s that easy.
Unfortunately, this makes the Maybe/Maybenot decision a little tougher to nail down, because I don’t feel like there’s an outcome that will make me unhappy. This flexibility has complicated many decisions in my life. It’s not that I don’t care about things; it’s just that I know that whatever I choose, I’ll end up feeling good about it. And something that was right for you ten years ago may no longer be right for you now because
People change
Our haircuts, our career goals, our desires. I mean, take a look at me through the years:
4 years old: Chili Bowl haircut , 54 lbs, wants to live at home with mom forever, hates egg salad
17 years old: Gelled up hair, 185 lbs, wants to be an airline pilot, has $24 to his name
25 years old: Shaggy locks, 230 lbs, is a Project Engineer, wants wife and at least two kids, has $24 to his name
32 years old: Legendary hair, 215 lbs , is a Sr. Project Engineer, has wife…kids?…hmm…those are the noisy, really expensive things, right?
Someone famous said that the only constant in our lives is change. We change physically and emotionally, our tastes change and our life (hopefully) goes nowhere near where we planned it when we were 17. Would you want to live the life that you thought would be awesome when you were 17? I hope not. You’d now be married to that idiot who never left your hometown and works at the carwash.
The greatest things to occur in my life happened because my original plan failed… Well, not failed, just went differently. When things didn’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean that they necessarily went bad. Think penicillin.
People who knew me when I was 17 wonder how I can now consider not having kids. ‘How could you change your mind about something like that?’ ‘It’s a carnal instinct, once you have it, how can you shake it?’
The simple answer is that I never even thought about the possibility of not having kids. I come from a tiny town in Indiana where people don’t consider being Childfree. I’m not sure I knew anyone of child bearing age in the Midwest who didn’t decide to have kids. But now we do, with 20% of the population going Childfree these days, and it makes more sense for us to stop and consider the question ourselves.
Hopefully I’ve satisfied a little of the curiosity about Mister Maybe’s thoughts on all this. I feel like Doogie Howser behind his 1988 IBM brand (only rich kids had real IBMs) computer, writing down his thoughts at the end of the episode. But of course, this episode is nowhere near over. Hopefully by then, Vinnie Delpino will have swooped through our bedroom window to help with the decision.
In any event, the saga continues, but one thing I’m sure of (that maybe Liz isn’t) is that I won’t regret whatever decision we make.
22 Responses to Mister Maybe’s Thoughts on Babies
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Dear Mr. Maybe, can you please stop bragging about how much better your hair has gotten with age? It’s depressing.
Mickey, if you’re reading this, it’s important that I publicly out Lorenzo who submitted this comment on your behalf.
Love this post!
Thanks: well said and balanced. I appreciate the male perspective- so much is the female viewpoint, which is great, but not the whole story.
its great to firstly see the male point of view on this and secondly see another male who has saimilar thought to my hubby. He has always said to me he would be happy either way. Its a comforting thought it doesn’t make the decision easier though but does give you comfort in doing that someone else will support you and won’t hold it against you whatever way you decide to go
Why are the men so much easier?
Because they’re not the ones actually having to carry, then birth, the babies!
Amen, sister.
I always thought that men aren’t encouraged to have any real interest in childrearing. That they are taught to be disengaged from it entirely.
It’s nice that you have such a strong marriage where you communicated openly about these things. Even if you haven’t reached a decision yet.
Maybe you should do the flour baby experiment, like in high school. It won’t help anything, but it’s darn fun, and you can use your baby to make cookies when you get bored! I used a bag of sugar instead of flour, and turned my offspring into rock candy.
Wow, I’d forgotten about the flour baby! We had some fancy mechanical ones at my school and I remember doing rather badly on that assignment because I refused to pull the car over and take care of it when it started crying. You know, Los Angeles is probably the only place I could get away with carrying around a flour baby as an adult, maybe I’ll give it a try.
Not the best test. Bags of flour can take a little shaking and can handle being locked inside a car on a hot day. They also travel quite well in checked luggage….
This is totally how my husband felt about it. Except for deciding together. He pretty much left the kid decision up to me, because he knew how strongly I felt about pain and doctors and trying to avoid both at all costs. However, if he had said to me, “I really want a kid,” I would’ve been thrilled. (I think as I’ve gotten older I kind of just wanted it to happen, or have him decide, because I just didn’t have strong feelings about having them. But I’m glad it didn’t happen that way now. We don’t have them for a reason. I’m okay with that most days –some days I wonder if I made a mistake– but the lives we want to live to make us happy sort of need to be childfree.) Great post. Neat you lent your view.
A few nights ago, my husband and I were walking the dog, and I posed the question: “If we had kids right now, what do you think we’d be like?” His answer: “Miserable.”
At 19, I had a miscarriage (don’t say you’re sorry about it, I was completely relieved!). So…every now and then I wonder – what would it be like if we’d decided to do the parent thing? I do have to agree…miserable. The prevailing dynamic of my family would reassert itself (absent father, moody, abusive mother), and we’d both be immeasurably miserable.
When I met him, he didn’t even know that being Childfree was a thing – he thought that people just get married and have kids, and go by the ‘Life Plan (TM).’ On the second date, I told him that if he wanted children, he’d have to go elsewhere – and I wasn’t going to change my mind. When I got pregnant, I was hysterical – he almost immediately left for Iraq (we both were in the Marines at the time), and I was stuck in a job I hated with a supervisor that seemed to want nothing more than to watch me suffer. I was seriously thinking about getting an abortion when I had my miscarriage. I literally cried with relief.
When he heard about it – I had to email him – he took it worse than I did. Of course, women are supposed to be devastated when this happens, so I played the part. But that cemented our decision like nothing else could – when we were actually put in the position of future parenthood, both of us admitted that we didn’t want it!
Yup, I suppose there’d be no truer test of your feelings than to have been put in the position where you were immediately faced with Mommyhood. And it sounds like that’s helped you come to a definitive conclusion that leaves no room for regret!
We are still debating whether we are grown up enough to have kids – unfortunately we have 2 already.
Haha! Love it.
My wife and I have decided not to have kids, but we arrived at that from a long, tortured route that included my avoiding the subject for years. Trust me, that is NOT the way to do it. You have a much better approach.
One thing I wasn’t quite clear on. If you have a kid because one of you strongly wants one, then is that really deciding together? That sounds more like letting the other person decide, not making a team decision, really.
That may be true, and I’m sure if push came to shove, it probably wouldn’t be all that simple. I think it’s more that we’re both open to being really flexible if one of us decides we really want it. Right now, since neither of us have a strong inclination, I guess it’s difficult to imagine how it would really turn out if one of us suddenly did.
Very interesting blog, so thanks for that! I liked this post because it is a mirror image of how my husband and I feel. And this mutual agreement is something that I feel extremely grateful about, because like Drew, I grew up with no examples of people without kids and so I just ‘assumed’ I would have them one day because everyone else did! Curiously, when my husband and I first met ten years ago, we talked about it and agreed we wanted a family. Now, through honest discussions, we have learnt from each other that we do not want a family after all. This, of course, was a wonderfully sweet realization!
I am in my thirties and everyone I know is having babies. Though I feel convinced that my current stance to not have children will remain unchanged, I keep wondering why every other woman I know wants to be a mother and I have no inclinations whatsoever? I do however know of couples who have children when only one party desires it, and this makes me frustrated.
Thanks Liz & Drew for your honest accounts. Question for you both: have you told your parents and how were their reactions?
Well, we didn’t have a sit-down to tell our parents, but since they all follow the blog, they’re pretty up-to-date on where we’re at! Drew’s parents already have a stable of grandchildren so that’s not a main issue – I think they just worry that Drew will be missing out on a major life experience that gave them so much pleasure. My parents don’t yet have grandchildren, but I think they’ll be getting them from at least one of my brothers so they’re not sweatin’ it. They seem indifferent and I think just want us to be happy, regardless of whether we have them or not. Maybe I should do a parental interview as one of the blog posts! That might be scary.
I echo Audrey and Rae’s above comments. So many friends have been sucked to the suburbs, and essentially out of my social circle, when they have kids. Intelligent, well read people all of sudden can talk about nothing but daycares, bowel movements, school districts, and what their kid has ruined. And all iwith an exhausted (exasperated) expression. As them what they think about the Eurozone crisis, and you’ll get a blank look. As them what their reading these days, and get the name of the current bestseller parenting book. As them if they will be going to see the new exhibit at the art/modern art/contemporary art/gallery/history/photography museum, and you’ll get a vacant look. As them the last movie they saw, and they’ll reply with something G-rated which they saw on Netflix because who actually goes to the cinema these days? Yikes.
My pregnant friends and friends with kids are actually doing a pretty good job about talking about a wide variety of non-baby related topics…but sometimes I wonder if that’s only because they’re afraid they’ll make an appearance in one of my blog posts!!