Mixed Baby Signals
A few strange things have happened over the past week that have further complicated this already-complicated-enough decision, and I can’t help feeling that my brain is playing tricks on me. Quite frankly, Brain, that’s rude.
Strange Thing #1: Inadvertently Sucked Into a Vortex of Nick Jr. Television
Drew’s sister and two nephews recently stayed overnight at our place and left the t.v. on the Nickelodeon channel. When I turned it on the next morning, Clifford the Big Red Dog was teaching his friends a little lesson about why lying is bad. I could not turn it off. The looming threat of having to watch more than 30 seconds of a Barney video had always seemed to me one of the more horrendous aspects of having kids. But Clifford and his rag-tag team of neighborhood strays had lulled me into some sort of trance. I felt downright peaceful.
Strange Thing #2: Seduced by Charming Nursery Curtains with Baby Owls
I went to my friend Megan’s baby shower yesterday, and before all the requisite cooing over bottle sanitizers began, I took a peek at her nursery. It was painted in a soothing soft green – perhaps designed to make me feel as though I’d slipped into a nice bucket of mint chocolate chip? – and everything about it seemed fuzzy and nap-inducing. In an effort to force the issue, I walked over to the crib and tried to imagine leaning over a sleeping mini-Me&Drew. Despite how creepy this all sounds to me (and no doubt you) as I’m now writing it, at the time, being in that nursery felt strangely, surprisingly…calm.
Strange Thing #3: A Baby Nightmare (it’s okay – I’m awake now)
Now, lest you pro-baby people get too excited and think this means I’m on the verge of full-blown Baby Rabies, I must tell you that both these events were directly followed by a rather scary anti-baby dream. And I’ll apologize in advance – I know how dreadfully boring it is to hear about other people’s dreams.
In the dream, I realized I’d given birth to a baby not too long ago. The baby, however, was nowhere to be found. I thought, “Hmm….what happened to that baby thing?” Then, “Oh, someone must be taking care of it.” Then, “Should I find out if someone, is, in fact, taking care of it?” Then, “No, that sounds boring.” Then, “I hope they just keep it, whoever has it.” Then, “Oh my God, did I really just have a baby? I hope not. I hope this is a dream. I hope I wake up soon. Is this a nightmare? Someone wake me up!”
WTF
What am I supposed to do with this information, Brain? Which of these experiences actually mean something? From which of these opposing reactions am I supposed to cull some answers?
Maybe There ARE No Answers Here
After all, each of these can be easily explained away:
Perhaps Clifford the Big Red Dog’s people have just smartly figured out how to hypnotize their small viewers into an all-consuming trance, so their parents can actually get some housework done, brush their teeth, whatever. Or maybe just I’m stressed out, and grown-up television has become too intense and trashy to provide me with any sense of comfort or release.- Perhaps I found the nursery soothing because I have a thing for mobiles comprised of fluffy lambs, or enjoyed the thought of taking a bath in a whale-shaped tub promising “A Whale of a Good Time”. Or, just as likely, maybe I slipped into a brief diabetic coma from the three mimosas, heaping slice of a Susie Cakes’ vanilla and strawberry concoction, and this lovely owl cookie. [Okay, yes, I’m the hillbilly that ate my party favor while still at the party.]
- And as for the dream, well, isn’t the common belief now that dreams are nothing more than random neurological misfirings? And that Taco Bell Dorito taco just before bedtime couldn’t have helped.
Ah, what am I doing? Looking for answers where there are none right now? Reading too much into every little thought?
Does any of this actually mean something?
41 Responses to Mixed Baby Signals
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As I said once before, be careful about looking for “signs from the universe”. For the record, our second bedroom (office/library) is painted a very soothing pale green. It’s one of my favorite colors. A coworker once mentioned that it’s a good neutral color in case we ever want to use the room for “something else”. I don’t think she was prepared for the death glare she got as a response.
Good point – the problem with signs from the universe is that you can probably interpret just about anything as a sign from the universe, and fit it to suit your needs. Maybe I just need to paint my bathroom green!!
Hillbilly- I think not. Those are meant to be eaten on the go.
It’s a hard decision if you actually weigh the sides. And it’s wicked hard to be true to yourself wehn surrounded by a particular valence of opinion. A baby shower is not going to encourage childfree proponents; it’s going to show all the fun aspects of babies. At least it should- you’ll need all the good karma for the sleepness nights.:)
Anyway, hope you got an extra cookie for Mr. Maybe. And one for the road.
Haha – I would argue that baby showers usually have the opposite effect on me and chalk up a few points in the “No” column – I think that’s why I was so shocked to come away feeling as I did. Funny you should mention Mr. Maybe – expect a guest post from him next week!
Woohoo for guest posts- hope that means a break for you. I had felt the same way about baby (and bridal, for that matter) showers until I could see how it could be construed from a pro-baby (or pro-marriage) light. That being said, you still won’t be seeing me at many.
Also seconding what Lisa says- right on!
Hmm, wow, you just reminded me that I also used to be totally freaked out about the idea of getting married. But I guess that whole marriage thing turned out alright for me in the end – I mean, who else could I swindle into doing guest posts for me?
I seriously don’t think you want kids…usually ladies who want to have or adopt babies have way more emotionally charged responses to baby showers (other than omg, this reminds me why I don’t want kids).
So I don’t think you want them. It seems pretty obvious that you’re firmly planted in the “childfree” camp. Which is totally fine, I just don’t understand why you keep torturing yourself. If it were me I’d just accept it and move on, enjoying my childfree life.
Thank you for the thoughts Kaylen, but I am still very much riding the fence on this decision and would not classify myself as firmly planted in the Childfree camp. I think people react to baby showers in different ways, at different points in their life, and it’s not necessarily a clear indicator of which side of the fence you’re going to fall on.
lol. I’ve had baby nightmares before, not fun! Although, mine was me calling hubby and screaming at him that I was leaving the house NOW, and leaving the baby in it so I didn’t throttle the little sh*t… Yeah…
Our situation is being further complicated now by the fact I’ve been provisionally offered a job, which entails 8 weeks training, and then a 9 month training bond. I’ve had to tell them kids aren’t really in the picture, which is a minor lie, because they aren’t far out of the picture at this very moment. Which means we now need to re-discuss this issue, and re-make the decision. Gah!
Oh my! Well, you truly never know what’s going to happen in the future, so you just have to make the best decision with the information you have. And if you go for it and wind up pregnant, unless you get pregnant tomorrow, you’ll probably make it through most of the training period. And you know what, even if you don’t, life happens. They will make accommodations. I’ve worked in HR long enough to know that sometimes accommodations – however unexpected – just have to be made!
That’s funny. I like kids, so the first 2 wouldn’t bother me. You can like children but still decide not to have them. I have had some dreams about having a baby, but they were very peaceful and cuddly.
What I really want to figure out is whether I just like the idea of being a parent or if I actually want to be one. I love the idea of quitting my job and joining the Peace Corps, but I’m not going to do it.
Yup – sometimes it seems like it should really be a very simple decision, but it’s always much more complicated than that when you really get down to it!
I appreciate your dilemma. I went through this too…except reverse. I almost threw up at a baby shower imagining myself being the mommy-to-be. And I’ve had several dreams over the years of this amazing baby Wayne and I made who was so perfect and happy and adorable, my heart broke to find out it was just a dream. But then when I was fully awake, I’d feel so relieved I wasn’t a mom. But then I’d feel so conflicted and tormented about that because I could remember how I felt in the dream, which was totally proud and head over heels in love with my baby. So, yep, I totally appreciate your dilemma.
Ugh, where is Freud when we need him?! I too, have almost thrown up at other baby showers, which is why it’s freaking me out so much that I DIDN’T feel that way this time.
This is usually my justification as well (or it’s similar). Every time a friend/family member says something like, “You’re so good with kids. You’d be a great mom!” I pause to remind them that I’m good at a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean I should do them all.
And I agree with you. I like kids too, but do I want them? I’m still in the maybe camp leaning toward no.
Boy, the “maybe camp” is growing by the day!
ah the maybe camp its soo much fun hanging out in here. Fortunately we don’t do baby showers in a big way in this part of the world i have been to one though and that was 9 years ago. For me its going through drawers of my clothes and finding things that i had brought when i was so very sure that i would have kids now I find those things and I think what am i going to do with them.
As for dreams i often find they too can go one way or the other ehy is though that dreams focus on the cute kodak moments and not the horrible moments of having a child?
As for the green room our bedroom is painted green the 2 spare rooms are painted in neutral colours mainly so that i can easily change the accessories in them but i am sure somewhere in my subconcious i thought this room could be a boy or girl room.
Ooh, what’s your part of the world Kylie? There’s a few people reading who may want to move there. Now.
I’m in New Zealand we just don’t go into the whole baby shower thing there are a few that do it but most don’t. Have you always been on the fence or were you once more on the side of having children?
Good question – I think when I was much younger I just assumed I wanted them, but never had a true baby craving. Then as soon as I reached an age where it was actually a possibility for me to have a baby, that’s when I began questioning whether or not I really wanted one. And then when I turned 30, I realized I needed to crank it up a notch on the whole decision-making thing. Hence, the blog!
I once had a dream that I was breastfeeding. I had just watched 40 Days of Night (I think that’s the title), the film about the vampires with the jagged teeth… Well, you can guess the rest. I wanted kids, so having baby dreams is always a nightmare.
I have only one word for that: YIKES!
Whoa, take it easy. One thing at a time.
Liking children’s TV shows and liking soft, comfy, calm things does not mean that you like babies. It just means that you like children’s TV shows and soft, comfy, calm things. You had all these wonderful, positive experiences already without being a mom. You don’t need a child to be able to watch Nickelodeon or paint the wall a soothing green. Your kids might actually GET IN THE WAY of you enjoying TV or redecorating.
Nowhere in these experiences, real or dreamed, are you happily taking care of a child. You’re enjoying the secondary effects of being a mom, maybe, but these are things you can enjoy without being a mom.
Perhaps what the universe or your brain (maybe those are the same thing? existentialism, dude) is trying to tell you is that you are meant to be a devoted auntie to someone else’s kid. Maybe. Sometimes. When the mood strikes you.
It is entirely possible to love baby showers and have no desire to have a baby. Don’t jump to conclusions.
I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t imagining happily taking care of a child, but it should be noted that I was only imagining dealing with a sleeping baby. I have not yet been able to process the thought of mothering an awake – not to mention crying – baby. Guess I should try that next.
Here, here, Scott! I had a similar response to this post. It is soooo important to distinguish babies from baby stuff. It reminded me of when I shop for baby showers. The clothes are sooo dang cute. But if there was a baby actually wearing them, I’d put them down right away. I just wish they made them in MY size! I want jeans with embroidered flowers and a hoodie with an owl on the back! Now I go to showers to genuinely “ooh” and “aah” over the stuff knowing well that I wouldn’t want to be that “mom-to-be” with what’s coming next. And, actually, when I meet the newborn, I’m still “oo”ing over their outfit and not them. Maybe I should tone it down…
It must be a conspiracy that they’re manufacturing such cute clothes. Someone’s definitely trying to trick us!!
I totally get that too, Nancy. I would love to have soft all-over pajamas with feet. (Perhaps I’ve shared too much….) That doesn’t mean I want a kid.
pretty much the same as me then just i’m a little older than you. I wouldn’t not of believed you if you told me i would be in this state of mind 5 years ago. I am sure the older we get the more we want to hold onto our life as it is and not make huge changes to it which we know we can’t take back.
So true, the longer we spend getting comfortable doing anything, the harder it is to leave it all behind!
I think about this kind of thing too because I have lots of fondness for children’s culture, especially books and art. A lot of things made for kids are just really appealing and they can have nostalgic value for adults too. (After all, plenty of parents buy stuff purportedly for their kids who are not allowed to TOUCH, much less play with, the train set, doll etc.) I think you should get some owl curtains if you want them
.
Haha – perhaps that is the easy answer to all of this! Owl curtains!!!
Listen, the best way to make this decision is to spend the day with your parent friends “shadowing” what it’s like to have the responsibility of parenting be the center of your life. Most of my friends have children and I have babysat them spent the day with them ,etc. and some of the kids are the coolest. That being said, at the end of the day, I am aching to return them to mom and dad/return to my quiet, orrderly (usually!) home and have some me time or us time with my hubby…and that’s after one day! In all honesty,what cemented my decision not to have children was simply observing other parents, and their lifestyles. I have worked with children for years and this alone has given me a sneak peek, if you will, into the lives of parents. Most seem exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, and stressed. I have friends that are stay -at-home moms. Having been rainsed by a SAHM, I believe it’s best for little kids, my SAHM friends claim to feel exhausted, isolated, and lonely though. People say that isn’t a “job” but having spent many hours on the other end of the phone and hearing how demanding and annoying my friends children can be, I must disagree. My one friend just got her husband to agree on her taking the baby to a play program two days per week so she can have some “alone” time. On the other end of the spectrum, I have friends that are working mom, and all I can say is: “Holy Hell, do their lives SUCK! It’s as if they’re living in a tornado of constant demands, and I pity their children because if you look at their schedules : Up at 5 dress kids, pack lunches, drop off at day care, head to work, get done at 5 (or 3:30 as one of my friends is a teacher), pick up the kids at six (one friends daughter goes to aftercare as well), cook or pick up dinner, drive kids to activities…oh plus the housework, no romance and konk out by nine. Honestly, I would commit suicide if that was my daily life. Not to mention when you factor in hours at daycare plus activites, my girlfriends that work spend maybe three hours per day interacting with their children, the rest of their kids time is spent with daycare workers and karate/dance/sports coaches. Either way it sounds like an awful life to me. Try this, picture every moment of your day, then picture how it would be different if you had a child/children.
Yes, I really ought to borrow a friend’s kids for a week or so to really dig into the ins and outs of it. I joked with Drew the other night that we should do a project where we borrow people’s kids every weekend for a month, and do all the things that terrify us about being a parent – taking them to Chuckie Cheese, etc. He was appropriately terrified.
I have no idea how these working moms do it. I used to come home at the end of the work day and barely be able to feed myself – I have a hard time imagining coming home every day to my “other job.”
Personally, I love (er, like) babies…it’s the kid part that gives me the heebie jeebies. Nobody ever seems to think of that bit…a baby is a baby for like…18 months maybe? Sooner than you think you have a small person in your house who will repeat every horrible thing you say about the neighbors, and tells their teacher “Mommy likes wine with her cereal!” I have two little nieces…I swear to you it’s like having tiny little adorable spies in your house. Also, I just read something that childhood is officially over by age 11. It’s the “My eight year old wants to wear a thong” and the horrific tween / teen stuff that makes me go…Uh Uh. Everyone goes : “BABIES! WEDDING!” but so few seem to say to themselves : Married with children. Less sexy, that, amirite?
My mother-in-law is constantly handing me various newborns and saying “Doesn’t that make you SO BROODY? Don’t you REALLY LOVE THEM!” My last response was: “I REALLY love seeing dolphins at the seashore too Jenny, but in no way does that make me want one in my house.” She just can’t seem to get that I can like something, REALLY like something, and yet not feel like I NEED to HAVE it. mean, baby orangutans are hella cute too right…but seeing one still doesn’t make me want one for myself.
Don’t sweat the passing “baby rapture” from seeing a pretty nursery or a cute owl cookie. You can still like it without needing to have it. It’s partly chemical. As my friend (a mom of two grown boys ) told me recently: “Listen honey, people are hardwired to find babies cute…cause if you didn’t…you would eat your own young. You would seriously kill them.” Tongue in cheek yes (she loves her kids beyond reason) but one of those refreshing women who openly says: “If I knew then what I know now…honey…”
Incidentally, my other favorite mom comment s: “You don’t understand how shaken baby syndrome happens…until you have your own baby. Then you totally GET IT.”
That quote from your friend about eating your own young is amazing!!! It’s all so true. They make puppies so damn irresistible because anyone who wasn’t blinded by their cuteness stopped to think about getting up to walk them at the crack of dawn, etc., would bail out. And as for shaken baby syndrome, though I could NEVER do that, after a few years of babysitting in my teens, I 100% understand how that happens.
If only shaken husband syndrome was as easy to explain.
It doesn’t need to be explained – it’s more acceptable.
1. I still enjoy children’s television. Well, some of it. And I think you hit the nail on the head. Sometimes I get tired of walking past a tv with Law and Order: Extremely Violent Nietzche Unit on, or some show where syphilitic spray-tanned blobs compete to win more time in front of the camera. Kids shows are soothing. Ever see Max and Ruby? It’s a show about a brother and sister who are bunnies that live in an adorable cottage. Arthur? A kind young aardvark that lives in an idealic little town where kids learn and all the citizens of Elwood City try to be good neighbors. Except for Muffy Crosswire, who is just concerned with being rich and a cancer on our society.
2. Again, this goes back to one of the most attractive reasons to have children that we may not think about: We get to share a more innocent and safe world, just for a little while. We can construct, around this baby/child, a place that is cute and comfortable and free of the horrors we all have to be aware of on a daily basis. I know many parents who definitely enjoy reclaiming a bit of childhood by making sure their children have experiences they didn’t get to have.
3. Are you nuts? Eating a Taco Bell Dorito Taco?
Also, dreams are less black and white and more subtext. Boil it down into lesser elements. I usually go with how I felt in a dream. I too have had many pregnancy dreams, and in every one I felt a sense of hopelessness and fear. But that’s just me.
Seriously, though, Taco Bell is like negative foods.
I know, I try not to look down while I’m eating it. But strangely, LA has almost zero open-after-the-bars-close places to eat, so please don’t judge me too harshly. I’m going to give kids TV another try – I may find that I want to kill myself after watching a few hours of it instead of just a few minutes.
Oh, and thanks to my renewed interest in childfree websites (the non-vile ones), I’m having more pregnancy nightmares! May the curse of a thousand synthetic meat tacos be on your head!
Definitely give Max and Ruby a try. THEY’RE BUNNIES! In a cottage!
Then again, I am in control of how much childrens television I have to watch. When I want to watch Sin City, or This Old House, I can change the channel. If I had a kid, you’re pretty much stuck until the kid falls asleep. Kids movies/shows I don’t enjoy (Madagascar, any of the four hundred Air Buddies films, anything with rapping animals) are painful to me. And kids want to watch the same thing over and over.
I get very distressed when I look at the brainmelt that happens to so many Mommies. Stuck in a plastic, mobile-covered prison with no mental stimulation? Eventually your mind atrophies.
And then you start posting Facebook updates about your children’s thirty-seven day birthday, or about the various things that come out of your stinky little dna bag. Then the mommyjacking…
I’m sorry, I think I just went somewhere for a moment… This tends to happen when I think about mommyhood.
I can’t even stand to watch the same grown-up movie twice unless it’s High Fidelity or Planes, Trains & Automobiles – I don’t think I’d last long watching The Little Mermaid on loop.