Mad About Mad Men Babies

Wow – it appears that no one is safe from the celebrity baby bump watch obsession – not even the starlettes who’ve already indicated they don’t want children. Now that I’m fully entrenched in the world of blogging about having a baby, I’m signed up for Google alerts on Childfree topics. Imagine my surprise when last week’s email yielded links to two articles, both about Friends with Kids actress Jennifer Westfeld’s baby-making status with long-time boyfriend Jon Hamm (Don Draper on Mad Men), titled:

1. Jennifer Westfeldt Says She and Jon Hamm Are Happily Child-Free (iVillage)
2. Jennifer Westfeldt Finally Wants Hamm Babies (Babble)

Um…huh? How did this happen? Both articles reference a recent interview Westfeldt gave to the New York Times, but seem to have come to the exact opposite conclusion. Wanting to be fair, I read each of them, and have conclusively concluded (yeah, that’s right) that the woman who wrote the second article is either joking, insane, dumb, a Darvocet addict, a secret writer for The Onion who posted this article on the wrong site, or some combination thereof. Citing no other evidence beyond the quote below, she somehow arrives at the conclusion that this woman “finally wants Hamm babies”? (which, by the way, sounds like a creepy Burger King breakfast menu item)

“I’ve thought about this a lot lately. I never thought I’d be this age and not have kids. But my life has also gone in a million ways I never anticipated…I kept feeling like I’d wake up with absolute clarity, and I haven’t. And we have a pretty great life together. The chance that we’ll regret it doesn’t seem like a compelling enough reason to do it. I may wake up tomorrow with that lightning bolt, and I’ll have to scramble to make it happen.”

The author then wrapped her gem of an article up with, “Well, Jennifer, we wish you the best of luck and we’ll be on bump watch. We’d love to see you and Jon as parents!”

Whaaaaaa?!

I wish I could just say, “I have no words,” but I’m a blogger and can’t really let this one pass. The fact that someone was able take that passage above and somehow glean that she’ll be having a baby soon makes me cringe to think of this woman’s critical reading SAT scores. I’m pretty sure, in fact, that Wesfeldt (who is already in her 40’s) implied that her thoughts are so far away from wanting a baby, that if she were to wake up one morning wanting one, it would feel something like a lightning bolt. A force of nature that kills 58 people each year.

I try to be understanding when I come across something like this. I remind myself that some people love being parents so much, they can’t even process the idea of someone not wanting to be one. So when they hear people expressing doubt on the subject, they only pick up on the tiniest hints that fall in favor of their side, and completely ignore the overwhelming evidence that some people just aren’t meant to have kids.

I’m happy that there are people who love being parents that much – in fact, I greatly prefer it to the alternative of parents who don’t give a crap and regret even having kids. I just wish they’d remember to use both ears and really hear what people are saying. Not just what they wish they were saying.

I Guess We’re Just Selfish

I suppose for Jennifer’s sake, she’s lucky that this woman’s reading comprehension skills are non-existent. Because if she’d picked up on the fact that Jennifer does NOT want to have a baby, she’d have been labeled as selfish as George Clooney. Here’s the fabulous lead-in to this article:

“You know, some people are just selfish. I’ve already gotten over the fact that George Clooney is never going to fulfill his duty to society by passing on his handsome genes to a next generation of Clooney look-a-likes and I’ve lately been thinking the same about Jon Hamm. I mean, how can beautiful people not have babies? But thank goodness his long-term girlfriend, Jennifer Westfeldt, has babies on her mind so there is hope!”

“Thank goodness”? “There is hope”? Is this woman just sitting on pins and needles, praying to the celebrity baby gods that two people she has never met – and will never meet – will procreate? And as for fulfilling a duty to society…well, I’m not holding out much hope that she’s fulfilled her duty to society by NOT passing on her judgmental and insulting genes. I’ll just have to hope her kids have more common sense.

Bump Watch = Saddest Form of Celebrity Stalking

I guess she can polish her binoculars and hang out on baby bump watch into infinity and beyond if she chooses. I’m going to make the wild assumption that she probably doesn’t have much else going on anyways. But that last comment – “We’d love to see you and Jon as parents!” – why? Do you know them personally or something? Will you all be meeting up at Chuck E. Cheese for play dates? Or do you just mean “see” in the same creepy, voyeuristic way you meant that you’d be on bump watch?

Gah. This article has turned me into a snarky, mean blogger. And I don’t want to be that. But I deserve at least one free pass per year, right? I’m going to elect to use it here. Seems deserving.

Incidentally, my mom is probably just as pissed as the Babble blogger that Jon Hamm hasn’t had babies. Two Christmases ago, her only request from me was the Don Draper collector’s doll, and he now presides over the wet bar in their basement, tiny briefcase in hand. Creepiest gift I have ever purchased.

Westfeldt/Hamm photo from: iVillage