The “Oops Baby” Fraud

Freud once said there are no accidents. And in addition to sporting some truly impressive whiskers, Freud was also a pretty smart dude. But if he’s right, why is it that nearly everyone I know is announcing their pregnancy as an accident? Proudly and loudly at that! In fact, the enthusiasm with which they’re telling people that little tidbit seems downright suspicious. Perhaps a little “the lady doth protest too much”?

So what IS an accidental pregnancy?

A lot of people say that the first baby and the last baby (cripes, how many babies are these people having?) are always accidents. That’s an awful lot of accidents. I’m proposing that we cut that number down! Here are the people who get to classify their pregnancy as an accident:

• Someone who takes their birth control religiously, at the same time every day, and one still manages to get past the goalie
• Someone whose condom breaks and on their way to get the morning-after pill, they’re kidnapped and held for ransom until it’s too late
• Someone whose antibiotics counteracted their birth control without their knowledge
• Someone whose Ortho Evra patch slid off at the gym and they didn’t notice because they were too miserable being on a treadmill
• Someone whose diabolical/infertile twin replaced their birth control pills with placebos in the hopes of stealing their baby nine months from now and passing it off as their own [I watch a lot of soap operas]

These are accidents. These are not:

• Any explanation that involves the words “we weren’t even trying” after being inconsistent with birth control: But also not trying not to? This is a little like saying I wasn’t trying to crack my skull open, after riding a motorcycle without a helmet. What exactly did you think was going to happen here? I mean, we all went through this class in sixth grade, right?
• Any method with the word “rhythm” in it: Nice try, Catholics. No dice.
• Assuming you’re infertile because you’re in your forties and just lettin’ it ride: Unless your husband has had a vasectomy, you have had your tubes tied or have gone through menopause, or a doctor has told you that it is a medical impossibility for you to get pregnant, there is always a chance you might still become so.

So why do people in the second category still try and play the accident card? Could be any number of reasons:

• Your husband isn’t ready: But you are! Oh, and he’ll come around. Just wait till he sees that adorable little face!
• Your husband isn’t actually your husband…but you’d sure like him to be: This one’s self-explanatory, and if it’s not, see Exhibit A (The Young & The Restless) or Exhibit B (The Bold & The Beautiful).
• You think it sounds cute: Oh, fate intervened! And well, with our rowdy sex life, I suppose this was bound to happen! Sound familiar?
• You don’t want to admit that you want a baby: Maybe your parents, friends, spouse – whoever – thinks you’re too young, broke, irresponsible, unmarried, etc. to have a baby. Maybe you’re someone who has openly complained about children for years and are afraid of looking like you’re full of crap. Maybe you thought you hadn’t finalized the whole baby decision, and this is your way of coming to terms with how it happened. Maybe you said you were going to climb Machu Picchu, write the great American novel, finish Season 2 of Downton Abbey, finally get rid of that Jennifer Aniston circa 1997 haircut before you had a baby, and you’ve accomplished none of these feats.

So what exactly am I proposing here? It’s quite simple:

Own it

If deep down, on any level, you can admit that you may have wanted a baby, or even just didn’t NOT want one enough to be properly protected, please don’t play the accident card. Or at the very least, don’t overplay it, going out of your way to convince people what a complete accident this was. All it really does is make you look somewhat careless and irresponsible.

Think about the other people involved

If you’re running around town telling everyone who’ll listen that your baby is an accident, some day, someone’s going to tell your kid that story. Do you really want them thinking of themselves that way? And if you’re one of these people who got pregnant to hang on to a man, or got pregnant on purpose despite your husband’s express desire to not have a baby yet – he’s probably already not too thrilled with you at the moment. Calling more attention to the situation (particularly if he suspects how this really went down) isn’t your best move. There’s probably a special place in you-know-where for you ladies. Or a starring role in a soap opera – who knows!

Maybe it’s me

All that being said, everyone who knows me, knows that it doesn’t exactly thrill me to be around kids. So they may just be AFRAID to admit to me that they wanted a baby. This would explain a lot, so if that’s the case…1,000 apologies for this post. I’m a jerk.

But IS that the case? Or is this happening to everyone else too?

Photo credit: Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy