Pascal’s Wager Applied to No-Baby Regrets
I bet Pascal never dreamed he’d show up on a baby(ish) blog 350-some years later, but he also probably couldn’t have imagined millions of viewers tuning into to find out if Snooki’s going to wet her pants again in public. But here we are. Let’s chat about him and his wagers.
Regret is a dish best served cold
I was lunching with a lady at work – Amy – before I quit work and became a Lady who Lunched. The subject of babies came up, as it’s wont to due when you’re sitting across from a pregnant person. I mentioned that Drew and I were riding the fence, and Amy said that she and her husband waffled on the issue for years before she had her first kid at 37. I asked her what swung the pendulum, and here’s what she had to say:
Ask yourself two questions:
1. If you had a baby, would you ever regret it?
2. If you didn’t have a baby, would you ever regret it?
Amy’s answer key, and presumably most people’s, is that no. 1 is an emphatic NO, and no. 2 is at least a MAYBE. Unless you have a true demon on your hands (perhaps the children who cameo’ed in last Monday’s entry?), once the kid is there, the odds of you wanting to hand it back to the stork seem relatively low. I do realize that people unprepared for motherhood hand back babies all the time (apparently foundling wheels are coming back into style in Europe! Those crazy Euros.). But I’m talking specifically about people who’ve thought long and hard before deciding to have a baby.
As for number 2 – wow, how are we supposed to answer that? I don’t know, maybe, yes? Are these good enough reasons to take on the enormous responsibility of having a kid?
Pascal Gone Baby Crazy
This whole options grid thing got me thinking about our old pal, Blaise Pascal. Famous not only for his flowing locks, Pascal is the originator of Pascal’s Wager. A highly simplified explanation of this wager is that:
Although God’s existence (or lack thereof) cannot be proved through reason, people should wager that God exists (and live accordingly) because:
- There’s a lot to be gained if you believe (namely, admittance to heaven)
- There’s little to be gained if you don’t (in fact, you might risk going to hell)
So:
The Maybe Lady Baby Wager
Taking Pascal’s grid approach, the baby-regret options might look something like this:
Hmm. So not having a baby is the only opportunity for eternal regret? And having a baby is the most likely way to ensure happiness?
Something’s Missing Here…
Pascal’s been criticized for oversimplifying the issue and neglecting to take a few things into consideration (the ability – or lack thereof – to force a belief; what you’re missing out on by living a purely virtuous life; etc.). The same is probably true of the Maybe Lady Baby Wager.
- The Hidden Costs: If I thought I had the opportunity to own a helicopter with a tiger airbrushed on the side, and I missed it, would I regret that? Probably. But am I willing to work my tail off for the next 30 years to be able to afford that? Possibly, if I loved what I was doing. But if I didn’t truly enjoy it, or it prevented me from doing other things I loved like playing chess in the park with stray dogs? Then no.
- Other Regret: Any time you choose one road, you’re not choosing another. Maybe you would have been a famous NASCAR driver, or 18th century royalty, had you not spent all that time birthing and mothering babies.
Well, Now That That’s Solved!
Okay, anyone else as confused as I am? I suppose this wasn’t a very helpful post. And coming up with that Maybe Lady Baby Wager grid was almost as mentally exhausting as writing a college term paper. Except I was less hungover.
But in case you’re not thoroughly befuddled yet, I’ll leave you with this quote from Arthur Miller:
Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.
Okay, but which ones are those?! *Sigh*
16 Responses to Pascal’s Wager Applied to No-Baby Regrets
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Hmm, interesting, I agree you have to ask yourself which of the two options you would regret more. I think however, that the regret over becoming a parent is more prevalent than we realise and possibly not as temporary as you suggest. Even (or especially) if people did want to have children, its still very taboo to say you wish you never had kids. Of course the regretful parents would do anything for their children and love them but the act of parenting another human being is a lot more involved than many people realise and some do regret their decision (a descision which can not be undone). I personally think a lot about the possible regrets I may have in the future for not having children but believe I have to live my life for what I know to be true now (that I don’t want kids) rather than for something that MAY happen in the future (regretting not having had kids). Especially as I get older and I feel more confident in my descision and thankful that I am not a parent. Here are few links for you re regretfully parents…its quite sad reading in some places.
Anyway, keep up the funny and thought provoking blogging!
http://www.secret-confessions.com/hate/hate-being-a-mom
http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/694465/I_hate_motherhood?next=1#comments
http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2007/03/26/i-cannot-handle-being-a-mother-anymore/
Excellent point, Nzcynth! Any mom who owns up to actually regretting having a child would probably be immediately strung up. So I guess we’ll never TRULY know how many parents regret their choices.
I have had a lot of people say to me, “What if you regret your decision?” Again, I ask if the possibility of a FUTURE regret is a good reason to have a child in the PRESENT. There is certainly no guarantee that I won’t regret not having children, while of course there is no guarantee that I won’t regret having children if that is my choice. But past behavior is a good indication of future behavior and I have been saying I don’t want children since I was 15 years old and can remember long before that thinking I didn’t want them. And if you are on the fence, I don’t think you can absolutely know the answer to those two questions (whether you will regret having or not having a child). If you knew the answers to those questions for sure, you wouldn’t be on the fence…
Well put, Rachel. Sometimes you can only make decisions with the facts you have in front of you, and speculating about the future will only drive you crazy. My problem is that I haven’t always disliked the idea of having kids – there was definitely a time when I wanted them, many, many years ago. But I have to wonder if that may have just been some good old fashioned Midwest brainwashing.
Woah! – a pop culture reference?! I didn’t even think you knew who Snooki was.
I literally had to google “Jersey Shore gossip” to see if something good would come up. I must say, they did not disappoint.
It’s far, far better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids. Even if the chances of the former are 90% and the latter is 10%, if you’re not 500% sure you will absolutely LOVE parenthood and be the most awesome parent EVER, it is not worth the risk. With risking the regret of not having kids, you’re only risking your own future feelings, which is just part of life. We all have to make choices. With risking the regret of having had kids, you’re risking the futures of innocent people (your kids) who had no say in your decision but will have to live their whole lives with the consequences of it, which is patently unfair to the kids.
Also, I don’t know any childfree person, online or offline, who regretted their decision. I do know some parents who have. I think parents regret their choice to have kids more often than childfree people regret their choice to be CF. After all, to be CF, you have to go against peer pressure, religion (if you have one), social conditioning, etc., basically everything you have been taught since birth. It takes a lot of thinking and determination. Once someone gets to that point, they know damn well what they want. Whereas becoming a parent is as easy as “oops! The condom broke!” or “hey honey, let’s have some kids!” Not a whole lot of thought required, so it’s not surprising that many parents would regret their decision. For most of them, parenting doesn’t live up to the hype and they thought far less about their choice than the CF people did.
That is a VERY good point Alex – it really does require a lot of thought and discussion (i.e., explaining your choice to everyone, since it goes against the grain) to NOT have kids. So it follows that it’s probably a pretty well-informed decision once you arrive at it. I hadn’t really thought of it that way…I think you’ve just sparked a new post idea for me! Thanks for your comment!
Hey Liz, I have been reading your blog and I love it. I ran across a website you might find amusing if you haven’t already seen it. Here is a link to the article on the Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/10/shit-my-kids-ruined-valentines-day_n_1269419.html
If it doesnt work just google “shit my kids ruined valentine’s day edition”. It made me laugh a bit.
Haha, I loved this! Though, admittedly, the flowers that were ripped to shreds actually looks like sh*t my CATS would do. Uh, have done, actually. Thanks for sending this, and for following along!
I just discovered your blog and I love it! What a great idea; kinda wish I’d built a community like this when I was CFQ – Child Free & Questioning. Once I hit 40, I felt I could freely admit that child -birth and -rearing was not for me, thanks, even though I’d felt obliged to keep the option open throughout my 30s. My husband and I occasionally question if we’ll ever regret our choice, but we have built lives that so totally suit us I’d feel like I was betraying my true self if I gave into the pressure from others to have children.
I crossed over from Questioning to Committed when I had a revelation similar to your Pascal Wager. While my answer to no. 2 will remain “maybe” until proven otherwise, I found myself adding so many qualifiers to no. 1 that it became apparent modern motherhood is not for me. Women in the past didn’t have the options and freedom we have today, and there were times in human history when the population of our species was so threatened that not having children would have been unthinkable. Modern motherhood, in a wealthy, first-world society such as we enjoy in America, does not come with such burdens. Therefore, I found myself thinking things like, “I won’t regret having children, as long as I can still do the work I love, as long as I can still have the funds to travel and do the things I enjoy doing now that I finally have some spending money, as long as my children don’t have Down Syndrome or other medical problems that make it difficult to raise them in modern society.”
That last qualifier is the one that did me in. I grew up watching a mother who worked with severally mentally & physically disabled children, and I knew very early in my life that I could not handle dealing with such children. The truth is that I’m NOT willing to take on whatever child nature hands me. I’ve never wanted to be pregnant, so for years I researched & considered adoption, but I have to be honest with myself and admit that I don’t want to deal with the problems that are likely to come with a child who has suffered in the foster care system. Adopting a baby might be the best option for someone like me, but I think that privilege belongs to people who really, truly want a baby. I don’t. I lack a fondness, even tolerance, for babies that makes staying home with one on par with torture for me.
These realizations were painful for me, because as much as this comment makes me sound like an ogre, I really love children. I believe it is our duty as human beings to take care of each other, and to help all young people to grow into productive adults with meaningful lives. How could I not want to be a mother?! But my work as a teaching artist working with all ages, and with educators and caregivers, has made me realize that women like me fulfill an important function in society. We are The Village, the non-parents who pick up the slack, who help keep the parents among us sane and healthy, and help the children to thrive and find their own way in the world. For the past few years, I’ve come to make working with teenagers my specialty. I love that age group, and they need all the help and support they can get. And so do their parents, God bless them!
Giving birth isn’t the only outlet for a woman who wants to put her mothering skills and instinct to good use. And adoption isn’t the only way to offer love, guidance and support to a child in need. If “having” a baby is what matters to a woman, then I suppose nothing else will take the place of that experience. But if what a woman truly desires is to play a positive role in the life of a child, or children, and see that child grow up healthy, and dare I say happy, then stretch marks are not a requirement.
In the end, it wasn’t a question of either/or for me. I am an important figure in the lives of many young people, and the children I’ve met through my professional and volunteer work have enriched our lives so completely that my husband and I could never trade those experiences on the gamble that we “might regret” not having our own kids someday. You can’t always get what you want, perhaps, but I’ve certainly gotten what I needed from being in a community in which I make a difference in young lives. And that’s exactly what I want.
What a wonderful comment! I’m so glad you’re out there as a positive influence for all those teenagers. I would even argue that because you don’t have to spend all your time and mental energy worrying about your own kids, you’re able to make an even bigger impact on them. And on society! So from all of us who are living in a better world because of the work you’re doing, THANK YOU! I really wish I could say I’d do the same if we decide not to have kids, but quite frankly, I think I’d lose my mind in a room full of teenagers. You’re a saint!
There’s also the fact that the regrets may affect other people differently. Regretting being childfree primarily affects you, but regretting being a parent also has an impact on the child. Better to regret someone’s nonexistence than to regret someone’s existence.
In Pascal’s wager, God won’t be hurt if you don’t believe in him, but regretting a baby could really screw up the baby.
An excellent point! Damn, does this mean I need to add another column to my grid?!
I think that the answer to both questions would be yes. My husband and I are also on the fence, but are definitely riding closer to the “no”. We know for certain we don’t want to have a baby that is genetically ours and are only leaving the door open for adoption, should we choose that route someday. Anyway, I think that the answer to these questions will depend on the frame of mind at the time. But I think there is a tendency for people in general to always look down the road that wasn’t taken and ask ‘what if’. As someone else on here put, which path do you think you’d regret more.
By the way, I just found your blog yesterday and I love it! For one, we are very close to the same age. Second, I find many of your thoughts to be similar to ones I have or have had. I look forward to reading more and good luck to you and your hubby with your decision. Regardless of which way you and your husband go with your choice, I am just glad to see someone put so much thought into it. I know that some people do, but sometimes when you look around you wonder just how many people do really give it much thought.
It’s true, humans are such huge “what-iffers” by nature. I think the only reason we don’t hear more from moms who wonder about their lives if they hadn’t had children, is simply because they don’t have time to think about it! I’m so glad you found the blog and that you’re enjoying it – good luck to you too as you consider the adoption option!