Bad Reasons to Have a Baby
Do people have kids because they’re bored? Drew and I had one of those didn’t-leave-the-house-during-daylight-hours Saturdays this weekend. You know the one. Nothing sounds good. Do you wanna…play Scrabble? No. Run on the beach? No. Complete an adult science fair project? No. Wait, what?
I couldn’t help thinking how nice it would be to never have to have the do you wanna conversation again. And when you’ve got kids, there’s no more wanna, only hafta. Hafta get them to soccer practice, hafta slather them in peanut butter to get the gum out of their hair, etc. Sure, some of those activities suck, but at least your thumb-twiddling days are over – you have a pre-defined purpose for your days and nights.
Now it’s my first Monday as a highly under-employed Lady of Leisure, and I’m terrified that I’m going to be crawling the walls soon. Having more free time sounded great, in theory. And I plan on taking advantage of it – figuring out how to pronounce (and do) Bikram yoga, flossing at the frequency recommended by my dentist, etc. But too much free time can also be a curse. It leads to things like watching Breaking Bad – The Complete First Season in one sitting (sorry, Jen, you’ve been outed), or loading your cats into the double-stroller for a spin around the neighborhood.
Is my fear of too much free time (these pointless cave-dwelling Saturdays) going to sway my decision about having a baby? I have to question myself. Because I’ve come up with some truly embarrassing reasons over the years of why having a baby sounds like a good idea:
- Would like an excuse to eat like a wild pig
- Once transformation to total pigginess is complete, would like to be showered with false compliments on Facebook about my “glow”
- Could win $10,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos if one of the cats snags a diaper and gets squashed by a fallen baby (check out this video, minute 1:09)
- Would like to wear sweatpants posing as jeans, and still be accepted into society
- Could someday buy family-sized bags of Fritos without getting judgmental stare from store clerk
- Saving a failed marriage (yes, let’s add sleep deprivation and a loss of financial stability into the mix!)
- Wanting someone to take care of you in your old age (strangers vs. family for changing my adult diaper? I vote stranger.)
- Wondering how good-looking the kid would be (try the What Will My Baby Look Like Generator instead – it’s free, and you can just delete the fictitious baby if it starts crying)
- Having someone to love you unconditionally (except when they’re teenagers and hate you with a burning, seething passion for not purchasing the correct brand of skinny jeans)
So where does “being bored” fall on this continuum? Is it a seemingly bad reason wrapped around a good-underneath reason like “I want something more worthwhile to fill my days”? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m looking too closely.
There are probably worse reasons to have a baby. If you have suggestions, send ‘em my way through a Comment – it’s probably time to compile a list. In the meantime, I guess I’ll get back to the new office (funny how I had to quit my job to get one with a window). PS, that’s my new co-worker, Olivia, making a break for it.