Ex-Boyfriends’ Babies on Facebook: A Creepy Glance into the Might-Have-Been
It’s happened to all of you at least a few times now. You pull up Facebook and there’s a status update from one of your exes, touting pounds and inches, trendy three-part names like Isadora Elaina or Hunter Montgomery. Maybe even a bleak hospital scene photo with the washed-out, epiduraled wife holding a wrinkly swaddled thing – and your ex, grinning like he’s just killed it in beer pong. Because that was the last time you saw him so idiotically thrilled.
Reactions to these posts can vary. You might be happy for their successful execution of the miracle of life. You might wonder how someone who used to drink a case of Shlitz on a casual Tuesday night can now be responsible for another human being. My usual reaction? A full body shudder and a thought that chills me to the bone: That could have been me.
I’m a fairly suggestible person. I majored in Advertising because someone said I’d be good at “slogans”. I switched careers at the suggestion of a random we met in our condo complex’s hot tub who thought I had the personality for Human Resources (insult or compliment?). I almost agreed to move to Seattle last year because Drew went through a phase where he was “into” rain.
And if I’d been able to stick it out with any one of these Facebook-friended exes, I can only assume I might’ve gotten roped into birthing a litter of children before my thirtieth birthday (please remember: I’m originally from Indiana). As in, those Facebook babies could’ve been mine! Literally, in the case of those exes with the crazily dominant genes – the ones who’ve produced mini-me’s that are, presumably, exactly what our child would have looked like. (Is this happening to anyone else?)
It probably won’t comfort you to know that this is just the beginning. You’ll be getting Twitter-esque updates of their whereabouts, their preferences, their astonishing ability to roll over or sit up.
Emma Taylor loves Coffee Bean! Emma Taylor loves taking naps!
You’ll have to wonder over and over again: Could that have been ME putting those status updates out there into the world?
Perhaps it’s best not to think about it. In the meantime, keep posting about REALLY important things. Like settling in for an uninterrupted eight-hour Wonder Years marathon, the joys of Fruity Pebbles sprinkled over your Yogurtland Guava Pineapple Tart, your ever-waning, paper-thin resistance to flipping over conference tables mid-meeting.
And when the day comes where they make their profile picture a sole pic of the baby (as if THEY have become the baby?!), well…that’s an entry for another day.
No, seriously – that’s an entry for another day. We’ll get to it, I promise.
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12 Responses to Ex-Boyfriends’ Babies on Facebook: A Creepy Glance into the Might-Have-Been
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UGH…THANK YOU! An announcement of the birth is fine, but let your bundle of joy get his own facebook page! (No, I will not accept his friend request.) Let’s face it though Liz, you and I both know that that would never be you (or me). Now, let’s talk about self-induced sleep deprivation with a nice little segue into how nice it is to have the option to sleep through a hangover or drink through it if we want. So many options
Oh, the economy of sleep is DEFINITELY on the “to blog about” list. Don’t you worry.
I could not agree with you more on this – when every single post is about naps, diapers, baby food, breast feeding, more naps, more diapers. It makes me want to unfriend them – on facebook and real life.
I say…DO IT! Set an example for the rest of the world.
As one of the aforementioned ex-boyfriends, you will be happy to know my wife and I have decided no babies! Hope you and Drew are doing well!
Haha, I love that one of my ex-boyfriends actually read my ex-boyfriend post!
Many, many congrats to you and Becca (where would I get my news without facebook?!) on the wedding. Next time you’re in LA for work, bring your lovely wife and we’ll all do dinner! I’d love to hear about your No Babies decision.
I think there should be ‘no-birth’ announcements on Facebook. Announce to everyone I know that I continue to use birth control successfully and that 40 weeks ago my wife and I clearly prevented conception and are blessed with one more day without kids.
If that seems like “too much information,” then my reply would be: “do you what happens during childbirth? Isn’t that kind of grossly personal?”
If only I could describe the feeling to those who have children. I wish I could, but you just have to experience it for yourself. It’s indescribable, really….
I love it – this goes nicely with my plan to have an “I’m not having a baby” shower someday if I decide not to have them. I can register for fancy liquors!
THANK YOU for the “where they make their profile picture a sole pic of the baby (as if THEY have become the baby?!).” This is one of my major pet peeves. I keep friends on Facebook so I can keep in touch with those FRIENDS, not their disembodied child’s head. I’d like to remember what my FRIENDS look like, thank you very much. Looking forward to your post about that topic
Exactly!! Maybe all of those friends have gotten fat or something and don’t want their own picture up there. At least, that’s what I’ll assume as their punishment for doing it.
Seriously what is with exes children looking exactly like them? I hate to say sometimes I am secretly so glad that I wasn’t the baby-making-machine for them because I realize that now post breakup they are not very attractive anymore.
It’s just downright creepy because you know their genes were so dominant, your child would have looked exactly like that.